LinkedIn is full of posts telling job-seekers to "buck up" and "will yourself into your next career." There are plenty of posts telling you the hard-skills you need to land your next position. But, how does a job-seeker cope with the abundance of passive rejection in order to help them persist? Contrary to popular belief, telling someone to "suck it up and keep trying" is not enough.
First, let's look at combining the dictionary definition of passive and rejection: the dismissing or refusing of proposal, idea, etc. through acceptance or allowing what happens or what others do without an active response or resistance. Read that definition a couple of times. Essentially passive rejection is rejection without an active rejection response. Therefore, passive rejection is confusing and often more harmful than assertive rejection. Examples of passive rejection int he job-seeking arena are:
Rejection has many effects on humans. In an article on Psychology Today titled 10 Surprising Facts About Rejection, Guy Winch shared that our brain reacts similarly to rejection as it does for physical pain. The reaction is so similar that you can take acetaminophen to reduce the pain of rejection, according to one scientific study. Although physical pain and rejection elicit similar brain responses, it is easier to re-live and re-experience rejection through recollection than physical pain.
Winch also revealed that rejection tends to create bouts of anger and aggression, either towards others or ourselves. Aggression towards ourselves is much more common and typically attacks our self-esteem and self-worth. It has also been found that rejection lowers IQ, short-term memory, and decision making ability. Therefore, rejection does not respond to reason and no one will be able to tell a job-seeker to "look on the bright side" of anything or that they should not feel the way they do. Coping with rejection will be completely up to a job-seeker and it is best to be prepared for rejection rather than navigating it in the moment. Mindfulness, balancing thinking, and social support are coping skills that can be used to overcome rejection.
I know mindfulness is the new hippy-dippy response to everything (which is not new, it's been around for ages), but hear me out before you skip this paragraph or close this post. Mindfulness is the state of being conscious or aware of something. This is why I list it as the first coping strategy. You cannot deal with rejection until you are aware of it is its entirety. Simply monitoring your breath as a measure for determining your current state can help center you-helping you recognize what is going on.
There are other ways to be mindful. Meditation by definition is to think deeply or focus one's mind for a period of time, in silence or with the aid of chanting. I will challenge this definition a little because I have been studying resilience/coping skills for some time now. Chanting can be replaced with anything repetitive. Think about the times your mind just wonders: washing dishes, driving, walking, running, etc. A good rule for meditation is allowing all thoughts to pass through without resistance or judgement. This will help bring forth the painful rejection you have been avoiding or blocking so you can deal with it. Running is my meditation.
A final note, you may feel like crying while being mindful. Allow yourself to cry if you need to. Dr. William Frey at the Ramsey Medical Center found that emotional tears contain stress hormones and other toxins which get removed from the body through crying. Other studies suggest crying stimulates the production of endorphins which is our body's natural pain killer. Essentially, crying heals us and makes us feel better. You can find more information about the science of tears in the article The Health Benefits of Tears by Judith Orloff on Psychology Today.
Often, we believe an event is the cause for our physical or emotional response, when in fact it is our thoughts. Let's say a car cuts you off in traffic and you share the universal sign with that person. Them cutting you off is not the cause of that reaction; it is your thought. Maybe your thought was "they were being rude." But, if instead you thought "they must not have seen me," your reaction may have been to shrug it off.
But, lets back up a little before we get into how to change our thoughts. Why do we think what we think? Many things influence our thought, most common is past experiences. Other examples are: culture, shoulds, pet-peeves, and mood. What's a should? A should is anything you think should be done. An example is "everyone should respect their elders." If you are aware of what influences your thoughts, you can work to change those thoughts before they even happen.
So, how do we change our thoughts, so we can adjust or correct our reaction? First, we must be aware of them. Whenever we have a response to an even that is not helpful, intentionally look for the thought that caused it. Once we have identified the thought we can: look for evidence to support or dismiss it, determine if you are being fair and consistent in your judgement of the situation, and/or talk to the person involved or a confidant. The more you practice balancing your thoughts intentionally, the easier and more automatic it will become. I have been practicing for three years now and I rarely share the universal sign in traffic anymore.
In Winch's article, he also mentions that because rejection disrupts our need to belong, reaching out to people we feel a strong connection to and who value and accept us, has been found to soothe emotional pain after rejection. In Darby Penny's article Defining "Peer Support": Implication for Policy, Practice, and Research, she asserts that finding a social support network of people who share common experiences and face similar challenges connects us as equals. Social support that leverages shared experiences can offer a reciprocal relationship that is jam-packed with empathy, encouragement, and assistance that promotes inner healing and growth within a community framework.
Many people that have been through hard times tend to empathize with others and have the desire to help when they meet people with similar experiences. Although many want to help, sometimes support falls short because they may not have the skills needed. I believe the most important skills to have is the ability to listen without judgement and with empathy. According to Brené Brown, a renowned research professor, "Empathy is...communicating that incredible healing message of "You're not alone.'"
Of course, we cannot control how others provide support, so what can a job-seeker do to get this much needed support? Job-seeking is a vulnerable place to be, so I will rely on Brené once again because she is the vulnerability expert. I am going to paraphrase from her book Daring Greatly (which I highly recommend).
When Brené's third grade daughter came home from school upset because someone shared her secret. Brené struggled with how to best teach her daughter about trust and connection. She recalled her daughter's teacher kept a clear glass jar on her desk and when the class did something positive, she put a marble in the jar. But, when they did something negative, she took a marble out. Brené told her daughter,
"Whenever someone supports you, or is kind to you, or sticks up for you, or honors what you share with them as private, you put marbles in the jar. When people are mean, or disrespectful, or share your secrets, marbles come out."
Your best bet when using this coping strategy is to share your vulnerability wisely with others. Posting on LinkedIn is not going to get you the support you need unless it's in a trusted group and even then, it's iffy. Telling your non-profit mentor or scout about your feelings of rejection may not get you the support you need. Speaking with friends that have no clue what you are going through or refuse to deal with their own feelings or rejection may prove fruitless. So, start small when you are sharing with others about the struggles of job-seeking. Test the waters using the marble jar method.
Mindfulness, balancing thinking, and social support are coping skills that can be used to mitigate the effect of rejection. Rejection is a hefty part of job-seeking and the passivity of it is not going anywhere int he environment we work in; which provides the means. Coping skills are not a magical cure, but being intentionally prepared can go a long way to improve the mental health of a job-seeker.
Comics by Kaijah
(Article originally on LinkedIn)
First, let's look at combining the dictionary definition of passive and rejection: the dismissing or refusing of proposal, idea, etc. through acceptance or allowing what happens or what others do without an active response or resistance. Read that definition a couple of times. Essentially passive rejection is rejection without an active rejection response. Therefore, passive rejection is confusing and often more harmful than assertive rejection. Examples of passive rejection int he job-seeking arena are:
- Applying for a job and not receiving a response either way
- Meeting a fellow job-seeker and receiving passive criticism
- Being ghosted by a potential employer or networking prospect
Rejection has many effects on humans. In an article on Psychology Today titled 10 Surprising Facts About Rejection, Guy Winch shared that our brain reacts similarly to rejection as it does for physical pain. The reaction is so similar that you can take acetaminophen to reduce the pain of rejection, according to one scientific study. Although physical pain and rejection elicit similar brain responses, it is easier to re-live and re-experience rejection through recollection than physical pain.
Winch also revealed that rejection tends to create bouts of anger and aggression, either towards others or ourselves. Aggression towards ourselves is much more common and typically attacks our self-esteem and self-worth. It has also been found that rejection lowers IQ, short-term memory, and decision making ability. Therefore, rejection does not respond to reason and no one will be able to tell a job-seeker to "look on the bright side" of anything or that they should not feel the way they do. Coping with rejection will be completely up to a job-seeker and it is best to be prepared for rejection rather than navigating it in the moment. Mindfulness, balancing thinking, and social support are coping skills that can be used to overcome rejection.
There are other ways to be mindful. Meditation by definition is to think deeply or focus one's mind for a period of time, in silence or with the aid of chanting. I will challenge this definition a little because I have been studying resilience/coping skills for some time now. Chanting can be replaced with anything repetitive. Think about the times your mind just wonders: washing dishes, driving, walking, running, etc. A good rule for meditation is allowing all thoughts to pass through without resistance or judgement. This will help bring forth the painful rejection you have been avoiding or blocking so you can deal with it. Running is my meditation.
A final note, you may feel like crying while being mindful. Allow yourself to cry if you need to. Dr. William Frey at the Ramsey Medical Center found that emotional tears contain stress hormones and other toxins which get removed from the body through crying. Other studies suggest crying stimulates the production of endorphins which is our body's natural pain killer. Essentially, crying heals us and makes us feel better. You can find more information about the science of tears in the article The Health Benefits of Tears by Judith Orloff on Psychology Today.
Often, we believe an event is the cause for our physical or emotional response, when in fact it is our thoughts. Let's say a car cuts you off in traffic and you share the universal sign with that person. Them cutting you off is not the cause of that reaction; it is your thought. Maybe your thought was "they were being rude." But, if instead you thought "they must not have seen me," your reaction may have been to shrug it off.
But, lets back up a little before we get into how to change our thoughts. Why do we think what we think? Many things influence our thought, most common is past experiences. Other examples are: culture, shoulds, pet-peeves, and mood. What's a should? A should is anything you think should be done. An example is "everyone should respect their elders." If you are aware of what influences your thoughts, you can work to change those thoughts before they even happen.
So, how do we change our thoughts, so we can adjust or correct our reaction? First, we must be aware of them. Whenever we have a response to an even that is not helpful, intentionally look for the thought that caused it. Once we have identified the thought we can: look for evidence to support or dismiss it, determine if you are being fair and consistent in your judgement of the situation, and/or talk to the person involved or a confidant. The more you practice balancing your thoughts intentionally, the easier and more automatic it will become. I have been practicing for three years now and I rarely share the universal sign in traffic anymore.
Many people that have been through hard times tend to empathize with others and have the desire to help when they meet people with similar experiences. Although many want to help, sometimes support falls short because they may not have the skills needed. I believe the most important skills to have is the ability to listen without judgement and with empathy. According to Brené Brown, a renowned research professor, "Empathy is...communicating that incredible healing message of "You're not alone.'"
When Brené's third grade daughter came home from school upset because someone shared her secret. Brené struggled with how to best teach her daughter about trust and connection. She recalled her daughter's teacher kept a clear glass jar on her desk and when the class did something positive, she put a marble in the jar. But, when they did something negative, she took a marble out. Brené told her daughter,
"Whenever someone supports you, or is kind to you, or sticks up for you, or honors what you share with them as private, you put marbles in the jar. When people are mean, or disrespectful, or share your secrets, marbles come out."
Your best bet when using this coping strategy is to share your vulnerability wisely with others. Posting on LinkedIn is not going to get you the support you need unless it's in a trusted group and even then, it's iffy. Telling your non-profit mentor or scout about your feelings of rejection may not get you the support you need. Speaking with friends that have no clue what you are going through or refuse to deal with their own feelings or rejection may prove fruitless. So, start small when you are sharing with others about the struggles of job-seeking. Test the waters using the marble jar method.
Mindfulness, balancing thinking, and social support are coping skills that can be used to mitigate the effect of rejection. Rejection is a hefty part of job-seeking and the passivity of it is not going anywhere int he environment we work in; which provides the means. Coping skills are not a magical cure, but being intentionally prepared can go a long way to improve the mental health of a job-seeker.
Comics by Kaijah
(Article originally on LinkedIn)
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