What Is Family?

This week has been a learning experience for me. I have been very introspective-processing a lot of information on relationships and connection. The universe sometimes likes to give me a lot of data to work with, so I can learn a little somethin' somethin'-then I share it with ya'll.

Lately, I have been trying to figure out what "family" is. When we are young, we are taught that "family" is made up of our relatives, period. As we grow into adults, that is what we often continue to believe. Then sometimes, something funny happens. You start to realize that you have strong amazing connections with non-relatives. You may notice that you really are not that connected with your relatives.

If you are anything like me, you start to feel some kind of way for not having what you think you are supposed to have-start questioning yourself-start forcing a square peg into a round hole-toss out the beloved rock you love. Okay, I just got kind of weird with my analogy. Essentially, you may question your ability to have and maintain relationships because the ones you are supposed to have are just not right and the ones you do have are not supposed to be.

"Family" is a unique and special connection. It is not reserved for blood relatives-nor is it a guarantee. That has been a hard concept for me to understand. I am a weird combination of logic and emotion that just does not always get things right away, especially when it comes to relationships.

I am a big Brene Brown fan and she has taught me so much about myself and relationships. Her definition of connection is what I am now basing my belief on what a family connection feels like-because I need that logical thing to explain this crap to me.

What this week has taught me.

I was fortunate to have spent time with my nieces that I feel deeply connected to. I have been terrified to reach out to them over the years. I just did not know how to show up for them. There may have been a little-okay a lot-of fear of rejection. Boy did I lose out over the years-just as much as I suspect they may have.

In the end, I realized no matter how I show up-they see me, hear me, value me and give me strength. I hope they feel the same about me. I cherish the memories we made. This experience taught me that is is never too late to start again and you do not have to be perfect to be loved or give love.

Listen to this craziness.

Learning how important relationships are; combined with my knack for telling societal norms to "go suck it," I have facilitated an interesting relationship with my ex-husband, my ex-in-laws, my children, and myself.

A little backstory, first. 

This journey began almost four years after I separated from my ex. My now 17 year old daughter expressed how much she missed my ex-husband. He is not her biological father, but has been in her life since she was two years old. I talked to my ex about it and he shared that he wanted to stay in my older three daughter's lives. My first thought was, "can we do this?"

Luckily, I had reached that point in my personal growth to say "hell yeah we can!" My ex was due to have his biological daughter for Spring Break just a few weeks later. They both went and spent time with him and his family. Later that year, he attended my now 19 year old's graduation festivities with my relatives.

Fast forward to our move to Texas. My oldest daughter moved in with my ex because she had no where else to go. Then my 19 year old moved in with him because she needed a temporary place to stay until she shipped off to the military. By the summer, my ex had all of my children under his roof. Three of them are not his biological children or his legal responsibility. This has also provided an opportunity for my children to re-bond with his parents. Watching these connections grow and flourish brings me such joy.

Here is where things get a little interesting

Over the Memorial weekend, I needed a place to crash and wanted to see my two daughters that were with my ex. I expressed to him that I wanted to see them. He asked if I just wanted to stay at the house in one of their rooms. I thought to myself "am I crazy?!" I decided it didn't matter if I was and stayed at his place.

I know his dad well enough to know there would be an invite to eat some BBQ. I thought to myself "could I go, too? I am the ex." I put it out there that I am cool with going if an invite is extended. Well, surprise! I was invited. I went. It was only awkward until I walked in the door and received my first hug. After that, it felt like home.

I am currently writing this blog from the bedroom at my ex-in-laws house where I am staying over the 4th of July weekend. I was extended an offer to sleep here because my ex's house is a bit cramped. I woke up this morning and had coffee with my ex-father-in-law. We even went to the gym together with my daughter. I came home from spending time with my girls and chatted with my ex-mother-in-law as she popped some popcorn.

There is an added benefit to this unique situation. I believe that our positive relationship makes it so much easier to deal with conflict. It's not all roses all the time, people! When all you have conversations about conflict, things can feel so icky. People get really defensive and super self-centered, in my opinion. I believe when you have a relationship you care about, you tend to deal with conflict in a more open and loving manner. When that relationship matters more than who is right or wrong, conflict is resolved in the best interest of all parties involved in order to keep the relationship. Just sayin'!

Last thing...I will be seeing some of my "family" in Florida in less than a week. :) So friggin' excited!