Why Not Me

If you have ever been to a therapy session you may have noticed that the therapist does not ask "why?" Ha! If you haven't noticed, you are probably replaying as many sessions as you possibly can to see if you can catch them asking this big no-no question.

On the opposite spectrum, as a performance improvement professional, I am taught to ask "why" until all the "whys" have been discovered.

What's up with the word "why?"

Image by Gordon Johnson from Pixabay 

There are a couple of reasons the word "why" is a challenge. First, it often takes a long time to find "why" and explain "why." We are cautioned about the lengthiness of the "why" exercise in my coursework. More importantly, the term "why" can come off accusatory, judgemental, and blame-attributing.

So why do we ask "why" so often?

When we are not selected for a job, we want to know why-and we often ask. Is it possible we are looking for a way to blame our failure on someone or something else? Are we looking for a logical glitch in the system so we can feel that we don't just outright suck? Do we want to turn our feelings of disappointment into anger towards a moronic hiring official?

Think about the times you were not chosen by a person. You wanted to know "why not me?" So and so did not want to be your friend. That person over there had no interest in dating you. Shockingly not everyone wants to have sex with you. What human does not want to hump like a rabbit?! WTF!?

How many of you had the courage audacity to ask "why?"

It has happened to me more than once where someone asked me "why" to all three of those questions.  At first, it pissed me off, but then I used it as a teaching moment.
Here is my answer:

Human connection and attraction is special and unique. If we were attracted to everyone, even friends, those connections would no longer be special. No one is obligated to return the affection of another person. If a reciprocal connection is present, it is rare and ought to be nurtured and coveted. Attraction is not as superficial as we would like to believe. The belief that you have to be friends, date, or have sex with someone just because THEY want to is "people-pleasing" behavior and can negatively impact your mental and emotional health. 

It is human nature to want to know why, so we can move the uncomfortable feelings from ourselves and place it onto someone else. Rejection is painful and shame lives in the darkest corners of our being. Trying to place that hurt onto someone else is not okay. Learning to move through rejection and shame to find acceptance is something that takes practice, but it is possible. 

We live in this world together and impact each other just about every moment of the day. The next time you want to ask "why," even if it's just your child not picking up their room, think about the implications of that question. An alternative could be to practice acceptance or maybe ask "what is preventing you from picking up your room?"