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My Thoughts - Being a Perpetually Unhappy Person

I am a Facebook junky. With all the news about the recent suicide of Linkin Park’s lead singer, I am inundated with posts about how people are feeling about not only the loss of this person, but also their thoughts on suicide. I, of course, have my own thoughts and feelings on the subject of suicide. However, these posts and some of my recent life experiences have sparked something else in side of me. Something I want to write about it.

I would like to talk about how hard it is to be an unhappy person. I know a lot of people that are unhappy and we are termed “negative Nelly’s,” “Debby downers,” “Eeyores,” and many other things. The folks that label us this way have a hard time being around us, but imagine how it feels to be around us and not be able to escape. That is the life of a perpetually unhappy person. I am going to share my own personal experience because I can only speak for myself.
 
I have been unhappy for as long as I can remember. I have worked relentlessly to figure out where this comes from and find ways to correct it. I am a research nerd and understand that about 50% of who I am comes from my DNA and about 50% comes from my life experiences. We cannot change our DNA. We can only work to overcome as best we can. We are in control of only so much of our life experiences. Knowing all of this should be a relief, right? I am just a victim of circumstance, right? It is not a relief because I want to be happy like anyone else. This thought makes it even harder to be happy. Wanting something that you must fight persistently for is exhausting. So, I am fighting against myself daily.

Now, let’s add in our daily interactions with people. Social connection is at the forefront of mental health and mitigating things like suicide. It is difficult for unhappy people to be social. Pretending to be what others want you to be takes a lot of effort and energy. Add in the feelings of there being something wrong with you that you are already combating. So, just engaging with people is complicated. Then add in the off chance that you just decide to be yourself. When that occurs, you are now the proud owner of everyone else’s advice on how to fix who you are. “You should just choose to be happy.” “Things could be worse.” “At least you have a job.” “Count your blessings.” and my favorite “you teach this stuff. I don’t understand why it is so hard for you.” I am going to go a step further and share this final one “It hurts me that you are so unhappy.” Well damn! I am so sorry you are hurting because of my unhappiness. These situations cause me to just choose to be alone. Being alone creates its own issues of feeling isolated and can wreak havoc on our mental health.

Another topic that comes up a lot for me is when people try to tell me how much they love me or how much they are here for me. I know I am loved. I know people care about me. However, knowing it and feeling it are two different things. I know a part of this feeling is completely my fault. I give way more than I receive, so my love bucket runs on fumes. I am working on this. It’s a nasty little cycle. I do not ever want anyone to feel unloved or uncared about, so I give and give. But then I end up feeling unloved or cared about.

And my least favorite part of this is when people try to convince me that my issue lies in the fact that I do not like or love myself. This is 100% false. I would say that there were parts of my life that this was true, but today it is not. I am MFing awesome, even with my negative layer. I am smart, passionate, interesting, loving, loveable, hardworking, creative, and so many other things. I am not unhappy because I do not feel unworthy or because I do not love myself.

My unhappiness stems from…wait for it...a never-ending cycle of hope and discouragement. I am perpetually unhappy because I always hope and want for something more or better and as life is, I get rejected or discouraged quite often. My poor little heart cannot handle it and my brain is always trying to figure out where I went wrong. That is the easy short answer. The more in-depth answer is quite long and messy.

I cannot speak for why those that have thought about, attempted, or completed suicide. However, if they are perpetually unhappy or consistently fighting whatever else they are/were fighting against, I think I can empathize with how exhausted and defeated they could have felt. I hope that this post helps those that feel similar things to not feel so alone and for those that do not, maybe I helped you understand just a little bit.

If you are feeling hopeless at this moment. Please reach out. I am so glad we have so many call lines. You can talk to someone that wants to listen and care about you. Below are some numbers that you can choose from. There are so many more, but these are the ones I know about.

National Suicide Helpline: 1-800-273-8255
Teen Line: 1-310-855-4673
Trevor Hotline (LGBTQ): 1-866-488-7386
Veterans Crisis Line: 1-800-273-8255


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