I have been seriously trying to navigate the dating world for about a year and a half now. Basically that is when I stopped diddling around. No more casual meh dating. I have realized some things recently. The biggest thing I have realized is: we are ALL damaged, yet everyone seems to want someone that is NOT. It's not exactly a bad thing to be damaged. Our experiences have molded who we are, good and bad.
Think about it. There is not one person dating in their 30s or 40s (as I soon will be), that has not had at least one bad relationship experience. Some of these people are still carrying that baggage around and probably should not be dating. But, for the rest of us we just have scars and a list of shit we will not put up with anymore. This means that as you are dating, the other person will more than likely cause an emotional responses in you due to your previous experiences. This is NOT living in the past. This is called an emotional response to damage that you may or may not be aware of. Some damage is worse than others, but it is what it is. We ALL have it. The questions is, how do we deal with it?
There are some that try to ignore it, but the signs are there. The subtle behavior changes will be noticed by the person you are dating and they will more than likely inquire because they like you. Well, if you are an "ignoror", you will more than likely try to convince the other person that nothing has changed. This will lead to a communication issue where now that person is feeling that you no longer like them the way you used to.
There are some that just ghost or walk away. To me, this is the worst. You have no idea wtf happened. You start to wonder what you did wrong. This is just plain mean and does not deserve an entire paragraph.
Then, there are people like me that tend to express how they do not appreciate or enjoy certain behaviors. I'm not talking about telling someone you do not enjoy sushi as much as they do. I am talking about those behaviors that spark true emotional responses inside you. The behaviors that seem innocent at first, but because of past experiences trigger deep emotional turmoil. I have even mastered the "I" statements and letting people know what my needs are. However, because we are all damaged, this rarely goes over well. Sometimes all I am trying to tell them is that they may just need to understand it upsets me and move on. This is where I am going to focus the rest of this blog because it is a true struggle for me.
It starts with something small. Maybe the person belittles you as a joke. They think they are being funny, but inside you are feeling some kind of way. You may not even know why at first, so you just let it go. Then another thing they mention about you that is weird and not in a "OMG, I love this weird thing about you" kinda way. So, you quip back with a statement like "well damn...can we make the list of things you like about me longer than the things you don't LOL." That is kinda of like your warning shot. Remember, this person is damaged too, so more than likely, you have now triggered an emotional response in them. !EXPLOSION!
For me, this continues until I decide to be an adult and say something to them. This takes a lot of courage because more than likely you will have to explain where these feelings are coming from. The usual response I get is, "you should stop living in the past," "do not compare me to your ex, I am nothing like him," or "I do not like girls with baggage." Well, good luck with that last one, dude! As far as the first two, do people not understand how life works? Once cut, you are scarred. You still live life and move forward, but you still have emotional responses when something reminds you of the past.
When I talk to friends about dating, they tell me to run from guys because they are damaged or I am attracted to guys because they are damaged. WE ARE ALL DAMAGED! I actually do not mind a guy that is damaged as long as his damage and my damage are an ideal match. If a guy often needs space because he was damaged by an overbearing aggressive woman, that does not match with my need for reassurance damage because I was neglected in a previous relationship. Makes sense, right?
The other thing we need to understand about any relationship is communication and understanding is so important. We have to be willing to open our minds to what others are telling us about ourselves and determine if they are important enough to adjust our behavior. Rarely, is an issue in a relationship one sided. We have to look at what both parties are contributing and adjust accordingly. If a conversation is all focused on "its not me, its you" then you have your answer...they are not willing to adjust a little.
If you are dating, especially after 30, stop looking for people that are not damaged. Its impossible. Instead, find that perfectly scarred person for you that can share with you all that they have overcome and you can share all that you have overcome. The person that appreciates your quirks and weirdness. The person that can handle when you tell them they hurt you and doesn't expect you to leave because of it. The person that will not push you away because you have a few bumps in the road.
I do not wish my past struggles on anyone, just as no one would wish their past struggles on me. However, my past makes up who I am. My strength, compassion, understanding, gratitude, and giving nature are all because of my past struggles. What once broke us, made us into a more dynamic and interesting person. We have to take the good with the bad and that includes people.
There are some that try to ignore it, but the signs are there. The subtle behavior changes will be noticed by the person you are dating and they will more than likely inquire because they like you. Well, if you are an "ignoror", you will more than likely try to convince the other person that nothing has changed. This will lead to a communication issue where now that person is feeling that you no longer like them the way you used to.
There are some that just ghost or walk away. To me, this is the worst. You have no idea wtf happened. You start to wonder what you did wrong. This is just plain mean and does not deserve an entire paragraph.
Then, there are people like me that tend to express how they do not appreciate or enjoy certain behaviors. I'm not talking about telling someone you do not enjoy sushi as much as they do. I am talking about those behaviors that spark true emotional responses inside you. The behaviors that seem innocent at first, but because of past experiences trigger deep emotional turmoil. I have even mastered the "I" statements and letting people know what my needs are. However, because we are all damaged, this rarely goes over well. Sometimes all I am trying to tell them is that they may just need to understand it upsets me and move on. This is where I am going to focus the rest of this blog because it is a true struggle for me.
It starts with something small. Maybe the person belittles you as a joke. They think they are being funny, but inside you are feeling some kind of way. You may not even know why at first, so you just let it go. Then another thing they mention about you that is weird and not in a "OMG, I love this weird thing about you" kinda way. So, you quip back with a statement like "well damn...can we make the list of things you like about me longer than the things you don't LOL." That is kinda of like your warning shot. Remember, this person is damaged too, so more than likely, you have now triggered an emotional response in them. !EXPLOSION!
For me, this continues until I decide to be an adult and say something to them. This takes a lot of courage because more than likely you will have to explain where these feelings are coming from. The usual response I get is, "you should stop living in the past," "do not compare me to your ex, I am nothing like him," or "I do not like girls with baggage." Well, good luck with that last one, dude! As far as the first two, do people not understand how life works? Once cut, you are scarred. You still live life and move forward, but you still have emotional responses when something reminds you of the past.
When I talk to friends about dating, they tell me to run from guys because they are damaged or I am attracted to guys because they are damaged. WE ARE ALL DAMAGED! I actually do not mind a guy that is damaged as long as his damage and my damage are an ideal match. If a guy often needs space because he was damaged by an overbearing aggressive woman, that does not match with my need for reassurance damage because I was neglected in a previous relationship. Makes sense, right?
The other thing we need to understand about any relationship is communication and understanding is so important. We have to be willing to open our minds to what others are telling us about ourselves and determine if they are important enough to adjust our behavior. Rarely, is an issue in a relationship one sided. We have to look at what both parties are contributing and adjust accordingly. If a conversation is all focused on "its not me, its you" then you have your answer...they are not willing to adjust a little.
If you are dating, especially after 30, stop looking for people that are not damaged. Its impossible. Instead, find that perfectly scarred person for you that can share with you all that they have overcome and you can share all that you have overcome. The person that appreciates your quirks and weirdness. The person that can handle when you tell them they hurt you and doesn't expect you to leave because of it. The person that will not push you away because you have a few bumps in the road.
I do not wish my past struggles on anyone, just as no one would wish their past struggles on me. However, my past makes up who I am. My strength, compassion, understanding, gratitude, and giving nature are all because of my past struggles. What once broke us, made us into a more dynamic and interesting person. We have to take the good with the bad and that includes people.
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