My Feelings - I Am Lonely

Hi, my name is Christina, and I often feel lonely.

 Are you still there? 

Hello? 

Okay, if you are, then maybe you are lonely too and want to hear what I have to say. 

          I have found that when you admit to being lonely, people often distance themselves. I have tried to find out why. I think there is a misconception that all lonely people are needy life suckers. I do not believe this is true. Granted, some people can get desperately lonely to the point of neediness, but those are the people that we should embrace because that kind of loneliness is a killer. Typically, people just get lonely and deal with it until it goes away. But why are we so afraid of or look down on people that feel lonely as if it is their fault or there is something wrong with them?

According to Psychology today "to be happy, we need intimate bonds; we need to be able to confide, we need to feel like we belong, we need to be able to give and get support." 

I want to talk about those three statements because I have felt lonely for almost a year now and maybe someone else reading this might be feeling it too.

"We need to be able to give and get support." 

          For a while now, my life has been pretty stagnant. I have not had many life changes that would require support, positive or negative. Of the few that I have had, one negative and three celebrations, I really found out who wanted to be there for me. However, some of my close friends have had moments that required support and I was not included in them. It hurt me deeply. I could not figure out why my friendship was not needed or wanted. In the past I would have pushed it on people, but that is called codependency, so not anymore. I thought about saying something, but what would that really accomplish? This was their moment, positive or negative. They have the right to choose whom they want support from. I know I do. I do not include everyone I know in my moments. So, it seems that my boring life of contentment has had a negative impact on this area of human need.

"We need to feel like we belong." 

          I have always felt like an outsider. I am just unique in some areas. It used to really bother me, but over the last few years I have embraced it. People tend to like me for who I am, so why do I still feel like an outsider? Being liked is great, but simply put, I just cannot always connect. Commonality is where we connect in life; whether it is over a similar life experience, having the same values or goals, and many other things. I look at my different peer groups and I just struggle to connect. This is no ones fault. I have learned to be okay with 10% connection. I try to find the small things and key in on those. It has helped me get out of my bubble of solitude and I am grateful for that. However, I am also a person that always wants more, so I sometimes get into a negative space wishing for more connection with others.

"We need to be able to confide." 

          I am, for the most part, an open book. So you would think that confiding is a "check." It is not. I have things I do not share with people, not even my therapist. Everyone has their secrets and as soon as you tell one person, they are really no longer secrets. Part of me wonders if I choose to not confide because I know it establishes a level of connection I am just not ready for. I feel that when you share those ugly things about yourself you expose your weaknesses and if you tell the wrong person, you can be destroyed by your enemies. Sounds a little dramatic, huh? I share a lot about me, but I rarely confide in anyone. The personal stuff I tell people are the things I have dealt with and can no longer be used against me. Those that I have confided in, I have created a connection with, but those are few and far between.

          I am intrigued by people so I am always interested in other people's lives; not to be a gossip or anything. Only because I am curious as to how things all work. There are some people that are always surrounded by people. People are always contacting them and asking them to do things. These are the people that tell me I should be grateful that I am left alone because it is not easy being the center of attention. I do wonder if its because they always have something they need support on and they make it a point to make that clear. Or maybe they push their support on others. It could possibly be that they found "their people," the circle they feel they belong in. I also wonder if they are lonely too and just find ways to surround themselves in an attempt to counteract the loneliness. But this does not work. Loneliness is not being alone, it is feeling disconnected. I am not sure what the fix is, but not talking about it is not the answer.

I am working on living life authentically, so my truth as of late is: I am lonely!

Psychology Today article on loneliness.