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My Thoughts - I Am A Weed


I am truly a lifelong learner and very introspective. 

Every day I attempt to be a better version of myself. Am I successful every day? Nope, not even close. I have good days and bad days just like anyone else. However, the nature of who I am can get a little crazy at times.

I have noticed that when I am around people and/or work on a resilience research project for too long, I take in way too much information and cannot process it all. Sound a little weird? I will attempt to explain.

I believe we are who we are, however we can always be a better version of ourselves, either in general or to meet a goal we might have. I believe in DNA traits (nature). I believe in upbringing (nurture). I believe in astrology. I believe in numerology. I believe that all this stuff and more makes up who we are at our core. I also believe we can minimize the negative with knowledge and determination, and we can maximize the positive with self-love and empowerment.

I am the kind of person that absorbs information like a sponge and I want to be a better me every single day. So, when I get inundated with too much information about how jacked up I am or I have people telling me what I need to change a little too much, I become this weak self-loathing version of myself. I cannot turn off the hateful thoughts of myself that play through my head which muddle my ability to sift through the information to put use to it. Let me tell you, no one likes this person which causes more information about how I should not be.

Once I get in a quiet space within myself, I begin sifting – “I like this”….”this is dumb”…”oh this can be useful”…”f*&* them”… - so on and so forth. This is where the growth begins. This is where I add a little more color and beauty to the unique person that I am. This is where my positive qualities are polished and the negative ones are accounted for and sorted into accept or minimize. When I emerge from my cocoon of solitude, I am the confident (sometimes cocky) person that most people enjoy being around. I am strong. I can think again. I can be supportive. I am the ME I like being.

You would think being a person of growth and forward thinking would be a good thing. It has its downfalls. Relationships are one of them. You can outgrow or “turn-off” people rather quickly. On the rare occasion you meet a kindred spirit, you find solace. Then there are those people that may be a little slower to grow, but damn sure love seeing you grow (and some can even tolerate your self-loathing moments). But, quite often you just grow apart from people. It is painful. I am still learning how to process through those moments. I love deep and always wished for those forever people in my life, but I also have a side of me that is not that great at keeping a connection – still working on that too.

We are all a work in progress, in my opinion. Who you are at your core and what you are willing to do is the only differences between us. Some like being stagnant. Some grow, but slowly. Others grow like weeds. I am that annoying weed. At times, I annoy myself and others when I am “ugly”, but once that flower blooms from my growth, I am beautifully me.


 
  

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