My Thoughts - Same Ol’ Love Story

According to attachment theory, you learn your attachment style when you are little; like infant/toddler years. It is theorized that you pick partners that mimic what you are used to. I have been analyzing my relationship issues trying to see if anyone is similar to my parents. 

You see if you have a healthy relationship with your parents, you more than likely develop a secure attachment style. However, if your parents were not the formula to create a secure attachment, you may develop avoidant or anxious attachment style. Through research, I figured out that I have the anxious/preoccupied attachment style. I have been working towards mitigating my behavior, but the feelings and thoughts remain. I also thought there might be similarities between those I attach myself to and my parents. I wanted to figure out what was similar about my dating/relationship mishaps and my parents. (Before I continue, you can watch a video about anxious/avoidant attachment styles here)

In my opinion, initial attraction to a stranger has nothing to do with your attachment style or what you are comfortable with. You barely know that person. But, the people you allow to stay or pine after are the winner winner chicken dinner. According to the Attachment Theory, they usually have the opposite attachment style, if yours is not secure.  I went a little deeper and reflected on these relationships and the relationship I had with my parents. My comfortable relationship pattern is similar to that of a prized toy or possession; you admire it and want it, but don’t really play with or use it. I did not have a close relationship with either of my parents. I often felt more like a possession that was admired, talked about as if it was special, even at times I was fought over. But once I was won, I was just in storage of sorts. I almost equate it to the Barbie doll that is kept in its packaging and placed on a shelf. 

For as long as I can remember back, boys/men that I have been accepting of, placed me on a shelf. They wanted me, admired me, maybe even loved me, but I was never really included in their life. I know I don’t like this. Everyone deserves connection. I want to spend time together. I want someone that cannot get enough time with me, although we might get busy at times. You know...that person that will steal away 2 minutes of your time if that is all that is possible. However, it’s exactly the same story over and over. In the moment, I feel like I’m not wanted or not good enough. It’s not until later that I realize, it’s the exact opposite, I’m too "special" to them. It seems crazy, right? Why would anyone treat someone less if they believe them to be special? But, think about how we treat possessions that are special. We place them on display on a shelf. We only take them out on occasion, if ever. 

At this point, I am not sure how I portray myself as a possession instead of person. I do not understand this or how I get to that place. I have seen how some of these boys/men treat other girls/women and it is not the same. So, I need to evaluate what I am doing/not doing, to include whom I choose to date or be in relationships with. My initial speculation is a mismatch with whom I date and my extremely low expectations and standards. I'm sure its a combination of things, not just me. But, I can only control myself. 

My plan is to continue to work on myself and build a great life for myself. What better time to work on myself, than when I am on a break from dating? In time, I will find my person.