It is really hard to believe in yourself when there is
so much telling you not to. It is everywhere and we talk about it all the time,
but with very little empathy. If someone shares their feelings on the matter
there is a mixed bag of typical responses, but rarely are those responses an
empathetic one. I want to share my most recent experience on the subject, so others know they
are not alone.
I have been feeling frustrated over the last few
weeks. I was not bored enough or bothered enough to figure out why, so it just
kinda lingered. This past Saturday if finally came to a head. I was feeling
overwhelmed with a feeling close to anger, but not quite. I decided to go to
the gym to try to work it out by throwing some weights around. It was a
struggle, but it worked. However, it uncovered some other overwhelming feelings
that actually caused me to cry. I could not get out of there fast enough once
it hit me. You cannot cry in the gym…amIright or AMIRIGHT?!
I was feeling self-doubt, failure, unworthiness. I talked to a few people about it and did some contemplating. I have discovered many of the reasons I often feel this way.
1. Feeling Like An Option
Are you the person that texts first? Are you the person that initiates plans? Are you the person that adjusts your schedule because you want to spend time with someone? Are you the person that gets bailed on or ghosted on quite often? Are you the person that is told what a great friend you are, but you silently wish you had a friend like you? You see where I am going with this. We get conflicting messages about boundaries and relationships. When you share that you want to drop someone from your life over the above instances, you are told “oh you should be more understanding. People have their own lives.” However, when you share that these things are happening and you are sticking around, you are told “you deserve better than this. You should just drop them.” My favorite is when someone tells you deserve better from person A, but they are just as flakey. Even more so, our social media posts are littered with quotes that conflict. “It’s okay to cancel plans if you are having a hard day.” “Do not let people treat you like an option.” Seriously! Which one is it!? Sometimes I wonder if I disappeared if anyone would even notice or care. Like if I just picked up, moved, changed my name, changed my number….would it even matter?
As cocky as I am, I have a hard time believing in
myself. How can I believe so much in myself and truly doubt myself at the same
time? Who TF knows! But it is truly how I feel….quite often.
I was feeling self-doubt, failure, unworthiness. I talked to a few people about it and did some contemplating. I have discovered many of the reasons I often feel this way.
1. Feeling Like An Option
Are you the person that texts first? Are you the person that initiates plans? Are you the person that adjusts your schedule because you want to spend time with someone? Are you the person that gets bailed on or ghosted on quite often? Are you the person that is told what a great friend you are, but you silently wish you had a friend like you? You see where I am going with this. We get conflicting messages about boundaries and relationships. When you share that you want to drop someone from your life over the above instances, you are told “oh you should be more understanding. People have their own lives.” However, when you share that these things are happening and you are sticking around, you are told “you deserve better than this. You should just drop them.” My favorite is when someone tells you deserve better from person A, but they are just as flakey. Even more so, our social media posts are littered with quotes that conflict. “It’s okay to cancel plans if you are having a hard day.” “Do not let people treat you like an option.” Seriously! Which one is it!? Sometimes I wonder if I disappeared if anyone would even notice or care. Like if I just picked up, moved, changed my name, changed my number….would it even matter?
2. Getting Passed Over
I am going to be a little non-conformist with this topic. I am so tired of being passed over for jobs and potential relationships by less “qualified” people. Yes, I said it! I am including potential relationships here. Dudes confide in me. They tell me what they wish they had in a woman and I am like (in my head of course) “that sounds like me” yet they are with someone else that is not like that, sometimes leaving that person, then go be with the same kinda lady they are always with. Even single guys will date me and then move on to their usual. I may not like it, but at least in the relationship arena I can kind of understand. Hell, I probably do it too. However, when it comes to jobs, it just burns me that less or non-qualified people are getting jobs I apply for. Am I really unworthy of these positions? Am I kidding myself when I apply for them? Rejection sucks! It happens over and over and over again-that can take a toll on anyone’s belief in themselves.
3. Not Having a Traditional Life
I get it, most people probably do not have what is considered the traditional life. It really bugs me sometimes, though. I want to have a traditional life on some level. I am tired of being asked why I am single. There is no good answer for that question. I know this is going to sound terrible, but sometimes I want to be normal. I am 40. I am expected to be in a relationship and have my shit together. I really would like to meet those expectations, but it’s just not happening. What’s really messed up is, it’s kind of out of my control. What am I going to do? Just tell some dude he is my man now and that’s that! “Well, Christina, maybe you just need to put yourself out there more.” How much more do I need to put myself out there? I have tried the dating Apps. I do not stay at home, despite my lack of funds. It’s not like there are a whole lot of free things you can do to meet a man. On top of that, there is conflicting communication on this subject also. “Girl! Enjoy being single,” “Are you STILL single,” “Get out there and get yourself a man,” “It’s better to be single than unhappy in a relationship,” “Get yourself a FWB,” “Stop looking and it will happen,” “You gotta get out there and make it happen,” “Do not wait on him,” “Do not settle for someone you don’t want,” etc.
I am going to be a little non-conformist with this topic. I am so tired of being passed over for jobs and potential relationships by less “qualified” people. Yes, I said it! I am including potential relationships here. Dudes confide in me. They tell me what they wish they had in a woman and I am like (in my head of course) “that sounds like me” yet they are with someone else that is not like that, sometimes leaving that person, then go be with the same kinda lady they are always with. Even single guys will date me and then move on to their usual. I may not like it, but at least in the relationship arena I can kind of understand. Hell, I probably do it too. However, when it comes to jobs, it just burns me that less or non-qualified people are getting jobs I apply for. Am I really unworthy of these positions? Am I kidding myself when I apply for them? Rejection sucks! It happens over and over and over again-that can take a toll on anyone’s belief in themselves.
3. Not Having a Traditional Life
I get it, most people probably do not have what is considered the traditional life. It really bugs me sometimes, though. I want to have a traditional life on some level. I am tired of being asked why I am single. There is no good answer for that question. I know this is going to sound terrible, but sometimes I want to be normal. I am 40. I am expected to be in a relationship and have my shit together. I really would like to meet those expectations, but it’s just not happening. What’s really messed up is, it’s kind of out of my control. What am I going to do? Just tell some dude he is my man now and that’s that! “Well, Christina, maybe you just need to put yourself out there more.” How much more do I need to put myself out there? I have tried the dating Apps. I do not stay at home, despite my lack of funds. It’s not like there are a whole lot of free things you can do to meet a man. On top of that, there is conflicting communication on this subject also. “Girl! Enjoy being single,” “Are you STILL single,” “Get out there and get yourself a man,” “It’s better to be single than unhappy in a relationship,” “Get yourself a FWB,” “Stop looking and it will happen,” “You gotta get out there and make it happen,” “Do not wait on him,” “Do not settle for someone you don’t want,” etc.
4. Not Having Enough
I often feel that I do not have enough; enough money, enough time, enough energy, enough personality, or enough skills. Time, money, and energy are the worst for me. I want to do so much more for myself and my daughters. There is just not enough time, money, or energy to go around. It is very defeating for me when I cannot help them financially or take them on vacation. I have a super old car and it’s not a classic. I often have to pick and choose my activities wisely so I have the time and energy. I sometimes miss the mark and something is sacrificed. I feel bad when I make that mistake and my children suffer a little. On top of that, I do not always have the skills and personality to do things that are needed. I am unable to effectively teach my children how to tie their shoes, ride a bike, or drive a car. I am not the greatest parent volunteer, so I typically shy away from those duties, not because I do not want to do them, but really, you should not want me to do them. I am terrible at it and I am okay with that.
5. Hearing That You Are Not Enough
Hearing something often enough, you start to believe it. I have been hearing that I am not enough quite often lately by a few people for differing reasons. Some of the ways it has been said to me lately are: “you are what’s wrong with me,” “you are not good enough,” and “you are not worth it.” There are so many other things that have been communicated to me over the last few months that really brings up the feelings of not being good enough. I am having a really hard time not believing it. We often do not think about the power of our words when we say things to people. Even on social media, people will comment things like “you are what’s wrong with the world.” We never know what someone is going through and the impact our words have on them.
I just shared five factors that cause me to doubt myself. I am grateful that I have a good support system and the skills to overcome the negative mindset I fall into quite often. It is like I have two people inside of me. The confident, I’m MFing Awesome, Yo! woman and the insecure, will I ever be good enough little girl. Sometimes one will win. Typically they just co-exist.
I often feel that I do not have enough; enough money, enough time, enough energy, enough personality, or enough skills. Time, money, and energy are the worst for me. I want to do so much more for myself and my daughters. There is just not enough time, money, or energy to go around. It is very defeating for me when I cannot help them financially or take them on vacation. I have a super old car and it’s not a classic. I often have to pick and choose my activities wisely so I have the time and energy. I sometimes miss the mark and something is sacrificed. I feel bad when I make that mistake and my children suffer a little. On top of that, I do not always have the skills and personality to do things that are needed. I am unable to effectively teach my children how to tie their shoes, ride a bike, or drive a car. I am not the greatest parent volunteer, so I typically shy away from those duties, not because I do not want to do them, but really, you should not want me to do them. I am terrible at it and I am okay with that.
5. Hearing That You Are Not Enough
Hearing something often enough, you start to believe it. I have been hearing that I am not enough quite often lately by a few people for differing reasons. Some of the ways it has been said to me lately are: “you are what’s wrong with me,” “you are not good enough,” and “you are not worth it.” There are so many other things that have been communicated to me over the last few months that really brings up the feelings of not being good enough. I am having a really hard time not believing it. We often do not think about the power of our words when we say things to people. Even on social media, people will comment things like “you are what’s wrong with the world.” We never know what someone is going through and the impact our words have on them.
I just shared five factors that cause me to doubt myself. I am grateful that I have a good support system and the skills to overcome the negative mindset I fall into quite often. It is like I have two people inside of me. The confident, I’m MFing Awesome, Yo! woman and the insecure, will I ever be good enough little girl. Sometimes one will win. Typically they just co-exist.
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