If you have not figured it out yet, I am not a one way thinker. I do not just arbitrarily follow and stick with one way of believing. What does that mean and why I am starting this post with that? I want to discuss grief and I have a very different belief about that topic. I also have personal stories about it that I want to share that may not be so main stream. So, this may take opening your mind up a bit, if you want to continue this journey with me.
If you were to search about "grief," you would find many articles about dealing with death, of which they refer to it as "loss" sometimes. I would agree that "grief" happens when we experience "loss" and death is considered a form of "loss" if one feels it is. However, I believe that "loss" happens in so many other ways; therefore we can experience "grief" for more than just death. I also believe that just because someone near us dies, we may not feel a sense of "loss," so we may not experience "grief."
When researching, you may find that there are two opinions on stages of grief. The most common is the 5 Stages of Grief by Ross & Kessler: Denial. Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. When you see this list, it would seem that you go through these in a linear fashion and it would makes sense. However, we are human beings and we do not make sense. You can go through these in a different order and multiple times. You may not even realize you are going through these stages because you feel so crazy and out of sorts. If you want to read more about these stages, you can go here.
As is the purpose of this blog, I want to share about my experiences. I have learned to not judge myself so harshly for not fitting into what research says about humans. I have at times thought there was something horribly wrong with me because I did not react to something the way I was supposed to. I will share a personal example of when I was supposed to grieve, but did not. I hated myself for a while, but through personal work, I have realized why I did not grieve. I miscarried prior to my youngest daughter. I do not talk about it, not because it traumatized me. I just do not feel much towards it. I only felt hatred for myself for not reacting the way that was expected. Here is the story:
My ex and I tried for a baby quite early in our marriage. In true form, my fertile self got pregnant rather quickly. Our marriage was a little sketchy in the beginning and I was doubting my decision to get pregnant. I did not feel a strong connection to my baby and I was very sick during this pregnancy. A week after feeling my baby move for the first time, we had a check up appointment. They did an ultrasound. Usually the hospital people chat with you and tell you every thing they are doing. It started that way, but then it stopped. Then a new person came in. Then a doctor came in. Then they all left. Then the doctor came back and told us they could not find a heart beat. They wanted to admit me to the hospital and do what needed to be done before my body would do it naturally. I declined. We went home. I did not grieve. I was angry with myself because I felt I caused this and it hurt my baby and my ex-husband. I gave in because I felt I needed to get my ex-husband through this quickly. After all was said and done, he felt immense pain. I felt nothing but guilt for hurting him. I was contacted by a nurse at the hospital a lot. She was worried about me because I was not grieving and that just caused me to feel more guilty. Eventually, she gave up and left me alone. Things seemed to get better for us and we tried again. I still felt crappy for not grieving and I talked to some close friends about it. They believed and shared with me that I did not grieve because I knew I had not lost my baby. Its soul was just waiting for a better time and I felt the connection to the soul. My darling Charlie is that soul. You may or may not believe that, but when it was said to me it made sense and I connected with it. I stopped beating myself up for being a shitty person because I was not.
I have also felt grief when others said I should not. When I decided to leave my last marriage, it was a very hard decision. Unbeknownst to me, I would be going through the stages of grief in a most horrible way, alone and judged. Here is the story:
When I decided to end my last marriage, I thought I would be okay. Hell, I had been divorced three other times, no big deal. What I did not know then is my three previous divorces really did not change much of my life. This one did. I had become a different person and had a different life through this marriage. I was not just ending a marriage, I was losing my identity and life as I knew it. But I chose this, right? That was the judgement I received as I started losing my mind through the stages of grief. I chose to leave an unhappy union. I did not chose to lose my known existence. I went through those five stages in a chaotic manner over and over and over again. Did I know that was happening? F&*( no! I thought I was losing my mind. I felt crazy. I had no support system to tell me "Christina, its okay. You are grieving. What can I do?" I do not blame my friends or family. Who expects to have to support someone through grief when there was no "death." It was probably two years of torture that I endured. I am surprised I did not lose my job, my children, or my life. I made it through, I learned, and I am stronger.
This leads me to present day. I am once again going through grief. This time, I am aware. I am gentle with myself. I am ignoring the ney sayers the best I can. I am clinging to my supporters. I am able to verbalize and love myself through this. It is painful. I cry a lot. I feel sick to my stomach. I circle through the stages over and over again. The worst being the bargaining and denial stages. This is because this time I have a person to do this with and then feel stupid after. I did not want the "loss." The loss was chosen by someone else. Yes, folks. You can go through grief when you lose a relationship opportunity whether you chose that or the other person does. You are not crazy, you are going through grief. Its normal.
Grief presents itself after YOU feel a sense of "loss;" loss of a person you once shared your love with, the person you once were, the possibility of what could have been, the enjoyment you once had, etc. If you recently experienced a loss and feel "crazy," be gentle with yourself, find support, embrace the suck, and grow through it. You will find peace on the other side. I just cannot tell you how long that will take. I just know there is a light at the end even if it cannot be seen now.
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