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Broken Promises

The best way to keep one's word is not to give it. - Napoleon Bonaparte
Oh if it were only that simple… 

The topic of broken promises, commitments, and words has been on my mind lately. I feel I may have an extreme aversion to these things. Although I may overreact, the breaking of promises, commitments, and words has an impact on relationships and I would like to discuss this topic. I actually did some research before writing this post.

What is a promise? commitment? giving your word?

Since all three terms use the word promise, from here on out I will use the term “promise” to make things simple. I will also use the term relationship to mean any type of social connection you may have.

I believe my aversion to broken promises stems from my child hood. According to my research there are 7 things that happen when a parent breaks a promise to their child (1):
As I read the article I got this list from, it makes sense as to why I am extremely upset when people break promises to me. In my memory of my childhood, my parents rarely kept their word and never explained why or apologized. They made excuses and shamed me for being upset or acted like it was nothing. Another article discussed the long term effects of parents consistently breaking promises as “the child may learn that people’s word cannot be trusted (2).” So, this to me, explains why I am extremely affected by broken promises. But, I wanted to understand why people break promises and how it typically affects human beings.

Why do people break promises? Most broken promises are not intentional, mean, or routinely repeated (4). According to Frank Sonnenburg, some people have a rating scale for promises. They believe that breaking a big promise is “inexcusable,” but breaking a small one is “acceptable.” This is not accurate. Breaking promises, no matter how large or small, creates doubt for future actions. Trust is built through a chain of events shared with others (3). Essentially this misconception about the size of a promise has provided an unfounded excuse for people and they may not realize, understand, or believe that broken promises are damaging their relationships. There are six common excuses used by habitual promise-breakers (4):
Another article explores that promise breaking occurs because “saying you are going to do something feels just as good as doing it.” It asserts that telling someone you are going to do something actually lessens the likelihood of you actually doing it. These statements that are made are “intended to validate some important aspect of our identities (5).”

What happens when a promise is broken? Sonnenburg asserts that the broken promises implies the giver of the promise either does not think before giving their word or they do not care if they let the receiver down. The giver could also be implying they are more important than the receiver (3). Jeffrey, who wrote the article What Happens When Promises Aren’t Kept?, provides a list of four consequences for not keeping promises (6):
If you think about it, breaking promises to yourself has similar repercussions. How many times have we broken a promise to our-self and had some kind of negative feeling about it? We may even begin to lose trust in ourselves or love ourselves less.

What can you do if you break a promise? Sometimes it is unavoidable and sometimes you are just a selfish asshole. That is just life! According to Jeffery there is a way to reduce the cost of breaking a promise (6):
I would like to add to be sincere and descriptive when using this list.

Do not just say:
“I broke my promise. It hurt you. I am sorry. What can I do to fix it?”

It would have more impact to say:
“I know I said I would come talk to you in 15 minutes and I did not. I realize now that you were worried about me and then felt like you did not matter to me. I am sincerely sorry for not considering your feelings when I made my decision and I did not communicate the change. Can we talk about it now over the phone?”

What can you do if people consistently break promises to you? Margie Warrell wrote an article that was geared towards the business environment, but I feel her insight could still be applied in our personal lives (7).
Many people, including myself, shy away from telling someone they hurt us. There can be many reasons we do this. I know for me, I am afraid they will not care or shame me for how I feel. I am also afraid I will communicate it in a bad way and create a bigger mess. I am learning to at least try to stand up for myself, even if the infraction seems small to others.

I know this post is a break from my usual share of my own thoughts. I hope it was helpful for anyone that is struggling with the damage that broken promises can create.

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