The
best way to keep one's word is not to give it. - Napoleon Bonaparte
As I read the article I got this list from, it
makes sense as to why I am extremely upset when people break
promises to me. In my memory of my childhood, my parents rarely kept their word
and never explained why or apologized. They made excuses and shamed me for
being upset or acted like it was nothing. Another article discussed the long
term effects of parents consistently breaking promises as “the child may learn
that people’s word cannot be trusted (2).” So, this to me, explains why I am
extremely affected by broken promises. But, I wanted to understand why people
break promises and how it typically affects human beings.
Another article explores that promise breaking
occurs because “saying you are going to do something feels just as good as
doing it.” It asserts that telling someone you are going to do something
actually lessens the likelihood of you actually doing it. These statements that
are made are “intended to validate some important aspect of our identities
(5).”
If you think about it, breaking promises to
yourself has similar repercussions. How many times have we broken a promise to
our-self and had some kind of negative feeling about it? We may even begin to
lose trust in ourselves or love ourselves less.
I would like to add to be sincere and descriptive
when using this list.
Many people, including myself, shy away from
telling someone they hurt us. There can be many reasons we do this. I know for
me, I am afraid they will not care or shame me for how I feel. I am also afraid
I will communicate it in a bad way and create a bigger mess. I am learning to
at least try to stand up for myself, even if the infraction seems small to
others.
Oh if it were only that simple…
The topic of broken promises, commitments, and
words has been on my mind lately. I feel I may have an extreme aversion to
these things. Although I may overreact, the breaking of promises, commitments,
and words has an impact on relationships and I would like to discuss this
topic. I actually did some research before writing this post.
What
is a promise? commitment? giving your word?
Since all three terms use
the word promise, from here on out I will use the term “promise” to make things
simple. I will also use the term relationship to mean any type of social
connection you may have.
I believe my aversion to broken promises stems from
my child hood. According to my research there are 7 things that happen when a
parent breaks a promise to their child (1):
Why do
people break promises? Most
broken promises are not intentional, mean, or routinely repeated (4). According
to Frank Sonnenburg, some people have a rating scale for promises. They believe
that breaking a big promise is “inexcusable,” but breaking a small one is
“acceptable.” This is not accurate. Breaking promises, no matter how large or
small, creates doubt for future actions. Trust is built through a chain of
events shared with others (3). Essentially this misconception about the size
of a promise has provided an unfounded excuse for people and they may not
realize, understand, or believe that broken promises are damaging their
relationships. There are six common excuses used by habitual promise-breakers (4):
What
happens when a promise is broken?
Sonnenburg asserts that the broken promises implies the giver of the promise
either does not think before giving their word or they do not care if they let
the receiver down. The giver could also be implying they are more important
than the receiver (3). Jeffrey, who wrote the article What Happens When Promises
Aren’t Kept?, provides a list of four consequences for not keeping
promises (6):
What can
you do if you break a promise?
Sometimes it is unavoidable and sometimes you are just a selfish asshole. That
is just life! According to Jeffery there is a way to reduce the cost of
breaking a promise (6):
Do not just say:
“I broke my promise. It hurt you. I am
sorry. What can I do to fix it?”
It would have more impact to say:
“I know I said I would come talk to you in
15 minutes and I did not. I realize now that you were worried about me and then
felt like you did not matter to me. I am sincerely sorry for not considering
your feelings when I made my decision and I did not communicate the change. Can
we talk about it now over the phone?”
What can
you do if people consistently break promises to you? Margie Warrell wrote an article that was geared
towards the business environment, but I feel her insight could still be applied
in our personal lives (7).
I know this post is a break from my usual
share of my own thoughts. I hope it was helpful for anyone that is struggling
with the damage that broken promises can create.
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