I Sometimes Feel Helpless as a Parent

Sometimes I feel so helpless as a parent. Gone are the days that I can kiss or hug tears away. Life eventually becomes more complicated than a skinned knee or someone stealing away a toy. For all of my daughters, that time seems to come in the fourth grade. This is the school year of frustrations and tears that are accompanied by "I don't know." I feel like fourth grade has been the turning point in my parenting; the point I begin to question if I am getting it right. 

My youngest daughter has begun fourth grade. I had hoped that she would begin "the end" later than her sisters. She is much different than them. Half her DNA is different. She was raised different and essentially had a different life than they had. That is just the nature of having a different father and a large age gap. Two days into fourth grade, it began. This is the year of "unknown tears," basically unintentionally seeming to cry for no reason. Two weeks in to the school year, she shared with me that she does not like her teacher. That feeling seemed to bother her at first. Now, I feel she has made peace with it because she sounds like a "mean kid" when she tells me how she feels about her teacher. This is not in character for her. On a daily basis, she struggles with decision making, overwhelming feelings, and sleepiness. Most recently, she started crying at a birthday party. I quietly pulled her aside away from everyone's prying eyes. I started to ask questions to try to understand and help. Every question was met with more tears and "I don't know." EVERY...SINGLE...QUESTION! After I realized I had no power in this moment, I just sat there, with her head in my lap, stroking her hair, while she cried big fat tears. The "fourth grade feels" had taken over. Eventually she recovered and rejoined the party. This moment sparked a conversation with another parent about how parenting is after fourth grade begins. 

Fourth grade begins the time where logic goes out the window. It is the messy year for my daughters. I am not sure if any of this is the same for other people's daughters or even for sons. I am curious to see if fourth grade is an indicator of whether my youngest daughter will follow a path similar to her sisters'. Fifth grade was when my daughters were caught between feeling like the big kids and being terrified of being the little kid the following year. It was one of those years when they are trying to decide who they are as a person. This is challenging for a parent because you want to support their individuality, but not at the expense of your values and pocket book. Sixth grade brought its own challenges. Being the little kid on the block, again, is stressful. Their search for who they are continued through this chaos. They also pushed boundaries a lot beginning in sixth grade and are wanting more space. I feel like middle school is where my daughters began to pull away from me. It is hard to be a confidant, when children do not want you to be. Seventh grade, being right in the middle of middle school seemed to be a turning point for my daughters. Either they came back to me a little or they pulled even further away. Eighth grade seemed to be an easy year, but I also remember never seeing them. Its almost as if they did not exist that year. Ninth grade seemed to begin with excitement, but end with confusion and tears. High School was not what they expected it to be. Ninth grade was a year of growth, some silent and some drama, both of which make me quite uncomfortable. Tenth and Eleventh grade brought the same, either eerie silence and not knowing what is going on or so much drama my head spins. When they did come to me, they never liked my response...NEVER. Senior year is full of excitement until the end. At the end it is almost like I am reliving fourth grade..."why are you being mean?"..."why are you crying?" I told that really long explanation, just to say "I feel helpless as a parent." 

It seems I cannot fix anything for them after fourth grade begins. I also have the duty to grow them into adults, but also support them being children. I have to walk the tightrope between being mommy and mom. Those are two distinctly different characters in parenting. Mommy is the parent that is warm and cuddly. Mom is the parent that is stern and unwavering. I often feel like a failure, but I can also see my successes. I feel shame when other people tell me how I am parenting is wrong or points out that my daughters are not where they believe they should be. I question my decisions. I am not always the best at sticking to boundaries and expectations. I...mess...up. However, I am also the best mom I can be. I stopped striving for perfection and just started striving for growth, one "win" at a time. I want so  much for my daughters, but I am working on understanding that they own their lives, even as early as the fourth grade.