How many times in our lives have we apologized when we didn't mean it or forgave before we were ready? Why do we do this? Is it because it's what's expected? Is it because we don't want to feel the feelings? When we pretend to apologize or forgive, what does that really accomplish?
I recently received an apology and I almost immediately responded "apology accepted" or "I forgive you" because that is what I learned was "right" and have since taught my children. But, the truth of the matter was, I did not accept the apology and I was not ready to forgive. I have felt uneasy about this ever since. I have thought a lot about this situation and other recent occurrences surrounding the topic of forgiveness. I realized this must be the next lesson I need to learn and I began to research "forgiveness." Before you get too excited, I have not found the magical "how to forgive" guide. There are some who tell you how to forgive, but I truly feel it is a personal journey. Maybe that is why many spiritual and philosophical writings mention the importance of forgiveness, but never really tell you how to do it.
There are many times it is easy to apologize and forgive; for example, you step on someone's toe accidentally. However, there are often times that apologizing and forgiving are truly difficult. It seems, for many of us, we have been taught to apologize and forgive as a means of moving on. However, through my research, moving on is not truly forgiveness. It is just boxing the feelings up or even holding on to them and moving forward in life. Why does this matter? Research also shows that not forgiving causes a negative impact on your physical and psychological health. After hearing this, you may want to ask, "Christina, that means we should hurry up and forgive then, right?" I would have to say "no." I recently watched a TEDx video of Sarah Montana. To me, the most profound statement she made was, "if you are still hurting, its too soon to forgive." After she said that statement, I had a deep sigh of relief. Whew, there is nothing wrong with me for not being ready to forgive. However, her analogy of being tethered to the person or persons involved really lit a fire under my butt to want to heal and then forgive. I realized, in that moment, I am tethered to so many people that I have not forgiven, including the not so kind person I can sometimes be. I watch another TEDx video of Eileen Timmins and she talked about how self forgiveness is a journey with no set time, rules, or limits and how women have a harder time forgiving themselves.
Both of these videos mentioned the feelings of shame, anger, and grief. Those are tough emotions to deal with. I am sure there are many other emotions tied to the many situations where forgiveness comes into play. I keyed in on those specific emotions because they are mentioned quite often in the books I have been reading by Brene Brown, the leading researcher on vulnerability. Those books have been a tough, but enlightening, read. Brene causes me want to allow myself to be vulnerable and live what she calls a "wholehearted life." I know I am on that path and I feel that this lesson in forgiveness will be a hard, but amazing, stepping stone on that journey.
Like I mentioned before, I have had more than one recent incident that is about forgiveness. These things seem to happen in threes for me. I have been playing the scenarios in my head and have to come the conclusion that forgiveness has three aspects (1) forgiving others, (2) forgiving yourself, and (3) accepting forgiveness from others. I do believe that forgiving yourself is the toughest of the three and if you cannot forgive yourself, it is very hard to forgive another and accept forgiveness. This, I believe, is why healing is so important before you forgive. Even if logically you are not at fault for something that needs forgiving, you may feel you need to forgive yourself. That is normal. Feelings are not logical. Sometimes, we look back and have those "what if" moments. So, if you are holding on to some situations that need some forgiveness, you are not alone. Take care of yourself first; work on healing and self-forgiveness if that is needed. There is no time limit. There is no magical way to forgive.
There are many times it is easy to apologize and forgive; for example, you step on someone's toe accidentally. However, there are often times that apologizing and forgiving are truly difficult. It seems, for many of us, we have been taught to apologize and forgive as a means of moving on. However, through my research, moving on is not truly forgiveness. It is just boxing the feelings up or even holding on to them and moving forward in life. Why does this matter? Research also shows that not forgiving causes a negative impact on your physical and psychological health. After hearing this, you may want to ask, "Christina, that means we should hurry up and forgive then, right?" I would have to say "no." I recently watched a TEDx video of Sarah Montana. To me, the most profound statement she made was, "if you are still hurting, its too soon to forgive." After she said that statement, I had a deep sigh of relief. Whew, there is nothing wrong with me for not being ready to forgive. However, her analogy of being tethered to the person or persons involved really lit a fire under my butt to want to heal and then forgive. I realized, in that moment, I am tethered to so many people that I have not forgiven, including the not so kind person I can sometimes be. I watch another TEDx video of Eileen Timmins and she talked about how self forgiveness is a journey with no set time, rules, or limits and how women have a harder time forgiving themselves.
Both of these videos mentioned the feelings of shame, anger, and grief. Those are tough emotions to deal with. I am sure there are many other emotions tied to the many situations where forgiveness comes into play. I keyed in on those specific emotions because they are mentioned quite often in the books I have been reading by Brene Brown, the leading researcher on vulnerability. Those books have been a tough, but enlightening, read. Brene causes me want to allow myself to be vulnerable and live what she calls a "wholehearted life." I know I am on that path and I feel that this lesson in forgiveness will be a hard, but amazing, stepping stone on that journey.
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