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Time to Adjust My Crown

I am often represented in tarot card readings with the Queen of Swords. The Queen of Swords is independent, perceptive, a quick thinker, and organized. She is a survivor; overcoming physical and emotional challenges by using her cool head. This is quite the complement to be represented as a queen. However, being a queenly person must come with its challenges. When I look at the life of a true queen, it seems isolating and lonesome to me. I assume they have to constantly wonder who they can trust and protect their vulnerabilities. They probably wonder who loves them for who they truly are because, honestly, not many would get to see them as they are. Of course, I am only speculating, but I am going to use the analogy for this post.

As far back as I can remember, I have played roles. I have been known to say to people "I am not sure I know who I am because I am so great at being what others need me to be." My therapist calls this wearing a mask. I look at queens (through movies and media) and it seems they too play a role. They become what their people need them to be. This is such a safe place to be personally. No judgement or complaints about who you are because you are not being you. The role you are playing is being judge, so there is a type of disconnection in existence. However, it is exhausting and unfulfilling. My needs do not get met because I am not being authentic. It also does not create a real connection which I am finding to be so important to living a full life.

Playing these roles are also a means to protect your vulnerabilities. No one can hurt you if they do not know you. I am reading two books by Brene Brown and she is a researcher of shame and vulnerability, among other things. Through reading these books, I have discovered many people equate being vulnerable to being weak. I am pretty sure I am one of those people. Being the queenly person that I am, I have had plenty of usurpers use my misplaced vulnerability against me, solidifying my perspective on the matter. I had a recent incedent where I allowed someone so far into my life I was very vulnerable to attack. I trusted this person enough to have no armor on and allow them into my castle with no guards. When I was attacked, I was devastated. I was so devastated, I barricaded myself in my solitude and drew up my drawbridge.

Many people would say, "good for you! Take the time and space for yourself. No big deal." But, to me, it is a big deal! I have a gift and a purpose in life. It requires a level of vulnerability. I have to be available to my loyal subjects, at the very least in the throne room. If I am licking my wounds and isolating myself because of misplaced trust, I am not living my purpose or being my authentic self. Over the last few weeks, I have found it challenging to be myself, contribute on my social media (including my beloved blog), do my job, and participate fully in my personal life. Think of how this would affect my kingdom, if I had one. I have a responsibility to live my purpose.

This has been a tough lesson for me. Reading the book Daring Greatly during this situation has been the best timing. This is not the first time I have been personally attacked and I am sure it will not be the last time. It is my responsibility to put boundaries in place to protect myself, but also to be courageous enough to Dare Greatly again. I believe in myself and when I look in the mirror, I do see the Queen of Swords. I am a mighty force meant to do great things. I will rise again and adjust my crown.

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