A couple weeks ago I had dinner with a friend I haven’t seen in 4 months or so. We spent 4 hours catching up. At the end of the conversation, we both mentioned it had been too long and how much we miss hanging out. I then said something like, “it’s hard for me to ask people to do things because I feel like the only person with immense free time and it makes me look needy, clingy, and lonely.” She came back and said “I never ask because I feel like a burden to people.”
This exchange turned on the file system in my brain.
Just about every assumption or fearful thought that was expressed to me or by me about not reaching out came flying out of my imaginary file cabinet in my brain. They sorted themselves beautifully into a clearer picture...like a data puzzle. It was time to analyze and try to understand this relationship barrier I seem to run across often.
What causes relationships to fade? Life is constantly evolving. When it stops being convenient to see someone, you start seeing them less. You no longer work in the same building. You no longer spend time at the same place. You no longer have the same relationship status. I am sure there are more examples, but you get the point. In addition, maybe something happened in one of both parties lives that distracted them and ate up their time. Assumptions and fear can also drive a wedge between two people. There are so many reasons relationships can fade. But, what do we do to recover them? Often times, we do nothing. We say nothing. The question then becomes, "why?"
How many times have you thought?:
I bet most of us think those things and so much more, but will not say a word to the person we are thinking of. We may say something to others...we may not. Often times, we suffer in silence, or so we think. In reality, our thoughts are not truly "silent" to us. They are only silent to the outside world. When you genuinely miss someone and want them around, you think of them often. These thoughts can even turn negative when you wonder things like, "do they even miss me?"
What keeps us from reaching out? I will list the top three reasons that keep me from reaching out: (1) Too much time has passed, (2) the desire to feel like I matter, (3) fear of rejection/judgement. I am sure some of you can relate to my three reasons and some of you may have different reasons. The question then becomes "what do we do about this?"
I think the answer is find our "courage," so we can find our "voice." If you look at the three reasons I listed for not reaching out to someone I miss, it is all fear based. Courage is the only answer to fear. How you find your courage is a personal journey that we all must travel on our own. Yes, we have our supporters and encouragers, but true courage comes from within.
Who have you been missing lately?
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