Living My Own Groundhog Day

A professional reluctantly shows up to work to provided services that are not truly wanted (as she calls it). This is her fourth year in this position, and she makes no effort to hide her frustration. On awaking the 'following' day she discovers that it's the same day again, and again, and again. First she uses this to her advantage, then comes to the realization that she is doomed to spend the rest of eternity in the same place, seeing the same people do the same thing EVERY day.

If that sounds familiar, its because it is the plot summary for Groundhog Day (the movie) just reworded to fit my life. I feel like I have been living the same day, just about every day, with no end in sight. I keep trying to figure out how to make it stop, but nothing seems to be working.

I wake up to be greeted by my eldest's bike, pants, shoes, and backpack by the front door. I wake her up to move them and she grumbles. I see a random plastic bag or two in some random spot along the way to the coffee pot. I see the kitchen chores did not get done from the night before, so I walk back down the hall to wake up my 3rd eldest child to do her chores and she grumbles. I sit on the couch and listen to my dog non-stop whine for no apparent reason while I sip my coffee. Then, I listen to my youngest talk my ear off while I get ready...I have no idea what she is saying because as I tell her every morning, I am not listening. Fast forward, I arrive at work, start another cup of coffee and my diffuser. I check my email and my to do list. Then, I start my day of what ever is on the calendar/to do list. I head home after work feeling tired and unaccomplished; dreading walking into my house of horrors (the afternoon typically looks worse than the morning). I see how messy the kitchen is and refuse to clean it before I cook. I tell what ever kid is next to me to help me pick up. Then I sit down and start watching TV until its time to transport my kids to an activity or go to an empty bed to sleep. 

This sounds way more pitiful than it really is. I did that on purpose. This is how my life 'feels' to me. Is it really this bad? No! However, I am definitely stuck in a cycle of unaccomplished hell. I have mentioned in previous posts that I am underemployed and it is no secret to anyone that I need a new job. I apply and get passed over a lot, just to hear about the new person over and over again because of our small community. I am pretty sure I have mentioned that I am single and ready to mingle...that has its own challenges of feeling like a failure and seeing others 'succeed.' I am a mom and my children are reaching the age where the hard work as a parent starts to show. I have mixed feelings about that right now. With this mix of life challenges, it is hard to stay positive and be patient for my "big break." 

I found this article on The Muse that talks about what you can do instead of waiting around for your big break. In this article it talks about your "brand" and social media "presence" which brings up another thing I have been thinking about when it comes to my perceived lack of achievement. 

I sometimes wonder if my value of being authentic gets in the way of me achieving greatness. I am honest about how I feel and my thoughts on differing topics. That has to be quite interesting to people. I can see how that personality trait can be perceived as different things. For instance, if I am completely honest about my thoughts on some things at work and they are negative in nature, that can be perceived as being disloyal or gossipy. The same thing can be said for personal relationships. I could be feeling slighted by a friend or co-worker and need to work through it to make sure it is not just my negativity monster coming out to play. Or I could just be sharing a matter of fact observance on a person which will have both positive and negative in it. However, others can perceive it as judgmental, gossip, disrespectful, mean, ugly, etc. Over the last year or two, I have come to the conclusion that you just cannot be honest all the time. Omitting information has become my best strategy and it is a struggle for me. However, I cannot correct any "damage" I may have done to my reputation prior to this change and I have to live with that. 

My authenticity goes even further beyond that. I have learned that my sense of humor does not always go over well with others. The way I raise my children and live my life is definitely not so mainstream. My use of colorful language like confetti for my sentences definitely can be a turn off to  many people. Even if I omit my language usage in a professional setting and activities with children (remember I am a Girl Scout leader), my social media presence and personal life seem to have an affect on those areas at times...so much for the "keep work work and personal personal" BS we are told. That statement is so much funnier to me, now, because we are told not to combine the two, however others combine them for us. I am sure I am not the only person that feels this way: do we have a safe place to be ourselves anymore? I also want to know why our differences from the norm or what people believe to be right are so off-putting. Sometimes I feel like these little oddities about myself categorize me into a group with murderers or something. Am I really THAT bad? I am actually giggling to myself at the ridiculousness of this last paragraph. I could probably write an entire post on just this topic alone...maybe one day I will. 

In the words of Hagrid "sorry 'bout that" ...tangent.