I distinctly remember in the 7th grade starting a new school where only two other girls were outwardly into New Kids on the Block. I clung to their short lived friendship until I moved to another school a few months into the 7th grade. My new school had no one that loved New Kids on the Block. Your choices were rap, alternative, or heavy metal. It was so hard for me to find my group because, although I enjoyed all music, those music scenes were not a part of my identity. That was a tough year for me and I found myself assimilating into different groups rather rapidly trying to find my place. I will not go into the details, but that year did not bode well for me. Side note: I never stopped liking NKOTB and I still loooooove Joey!!!!!!!!!!!
I tried to do some research on conforming before writing this post. As research does, it turned into many different paths, but I will share what I believe based on what I found. I believe conformity is a part of our natural survival skills that we just cannot escape. We are not built to survive alone, so we find ways to bond. Bonding typically happens over similarities. I also read a little about the chameleon effect; subconsciously mimicking behaviors. There is some interesting research on these two topics; however, I want to share a little more about my experiences.
I changed schools 23 times in my childhood. Yes, that is a correct number; I counted. I attended 3 different elementary schools, 2 middle schools, and 6 high schools. I bet you are wondering how that math adds up. I bounced between some of those schools more than once. I also lived in 4 group homes, 8 family homes (I think) with 4 different sets of my family. I had many short term friendships and peer groups; way too many to count. This is just in my childhood; the first 18 years of my life. That is about half of my life span. Since then, I lived in 4 different states and 2 different countries with countless changes that come along with the military life style. I was in many relationships and marriages. I became a parent. Why does any of this matter?
Survival is number 1 to human beings! I had to assimilate into every single situation I was in. Each new environment was different. It is safe to say, I had a very chaotic life for many many years. Most of the time people did not even know the true me. Quite often, I did not even remember who I was. I felt lost. When I felt safe or just exhausted from being someone else, little bits of me would show through. Sometimes I trusted the wrong people/situations and it had negative consequences for me. Even worse, being someone I was not had its share of consequences. I hurt myself and others, put myself in unsafe/unhealthy situations, and lost who I truly am. That last one almost destroyed me, at one point in my life.
I am still wading through my multiple characters to figure out who I am. But, what I have realized lately is I still play roles, assimilating into my environments in order to be accepted, liked, and even sometimes loved. I have a friend that consistently tells me to stop watering myself down at work. No matter how hard I try to fit in and be liked by the masses in order to move up in the job I am currently in, I cannot sustain it for long, nor is it getting me my desired result. It does however cause me to be bitter. So, I am working on taking her advice and just be myself. I also have found myself "performing" in personal relationships. I changed myself to be in a relationship with someone. I did not even realize I was doing it until that person expressed how much they did not like who I had become and I still did not get my desired result. I feel like this has become a really bad unhealthy habit I have and it needs to change.
There is nothing wrong with dressing like others at your work place and taking on some social norms. But, when you begin to change into someone you are not, you can lose yourself, thus impacting your performance at work, values system, achievement of goals, and relationships. I believe we all change a little over the course of our lives. If those changes have a positive impact on your life, keep 'em. I remember being terrible at customer service skills until the day I met the most bubbly upbeat Airman. Her cheery attitude and customer connection definitely rubbed off on me. I didn't turn into some optimistic glitter throwing smiley face, but I did improve my ability to serve customers which has served me well. Telling people "no" with a smile works to an extent. Its okay to change through out life, just try not to lose yourself in the process. So confusing, I know!
I changed schools 23 times in my childhood. Yes, that is a correct number; I counted. I attended 3 different elementary schools, 2 middle schools, and 6 high schools. I bet you are wondering how that math adds up. I bounced between some of those schools more than once. I also lived in 4 group homes, 8 family homes (I think) with 4 different sets of my family. I had many short term friendships and peer groups; way too many to count. This is just in my childhood; the first 18 years of my life. That is about half of my life span. Since then, I lived in 4 different states and 2 different countries with countless changes that come along with the military life style. I was in many relationships and marriages. I became a parent. Why does any of this matter?
Survival is number 1 to human beings! I had to assimilate into every single situation I was in. Each new environment was different. It is safe to say, I had a very chaotic life for many many years. Most of the time people did not even know the true me. Quite often, I did not even remember who I was. I felt lost. When I felt safe or just exhausted from being someone else, little bits of me would show through. Sometimes I trusted the wrong people/situations and it had negative consequences for me. Even worse, being someone I was not had its share of consequences. I hurt myself and others, put myself in unsafe/unhealthy situations, and lost who I truly am. That last one almost destroyed me, at one point in my life.
I am still wading through my multiple characters to figure out who I am. But, what I have realized lately is I still play roles, assimilating into my environments in order to be accepted, liked, and even sometimes loved. I have a friend that consistently tells me to stop watering myself down at work. No matter how hard I try to fit in and be liked by the masses in order to move up in the job I am currently in, I cannot sustain it for long, nor is it getting me my desired result. It does however cause me to be bitter. So, I am working on taking her advice and just be myself. I also have found myself "performing" in personal relationships. I changed myself to be in a relationship with someone. I did not even realize I was doing it until that person expressed how much they did not like who I had become and I still did not get my desired result. I feel like this has become a really bad unhealthy habit I have and it needs to change.
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