I Am Enough!

I have recently discovered what my "trigger" is in relationships. Those things that cause me to feel uneasy and either crush me or make me want to bolt...perhaps even both of those things at the same time. Why is this important? Well, because it sets up standards for me in relationships. Those things that I do not like are exactly the opposite of what I want in a relationship. Contrary to popular belief, people have different things they want. There may be variations when it comes to family, friendship, work-ships, and romantic relationships, but it can be very enlightening to really dig deep to find out.

I had been feeling uneasy about a friendship I recently rekindled and I was trying to figure out what was bothering me. I talked to my best friend about it at length because it helps me work through things...poor girl. I really thought it was one thing and even communicated that to said friend. Well, apparently I needed the right combination of booze and context to get to the real root of the issue. It hit me at the most inopportune time. I tried desperately to ignore it and enjoy my day with my friends and kids. For over an hour I attempted to avoid, push down, and breath through this epiphany. I did not want to ruin his day or embarrass him in front of my friend and family. I found him sitting alone and at that moment just didn't want him to be alone. I sat there feeling like I was boiling inside as he unknowingly chatted about whatever interested him. Then it just happened. I brought it up....what was bothering me. I tried to use an analogy as I often do and he just didn't get it. I am starting to wonder if that's just how people are. They only get it when its not about them. I walked away and laid down with the dog (this dog always finds me when I am sad or anxious). It must have been horribly awkward for him at my friend's house all alone outside. That I truly felt bad for. He eventually left and I of course followed after to say good-bye. Apparently it was important to me because I just had to try one more time to tell him what was bothering me so we could work through it. We did not work through it. It was a hurtful, but enlightening moment in my life. What I discovered, I think I already knew. But, I am finding out that this kind of "treatment" sometimes hides in pretty packages, as it did this time.

I think I can make a list quite a bit longer, but I have realized these are all kind of the same thing. I do not like feeling like I am not enough. Funny thing is, I think when people act like I am too much, I still feel like I am not enough because I am not the correct amount of enough. When someone keeps me a secret, I am not worth the consequence of people knowing about me. When someone has me in their life until a "better" or "worse" thing comes along to replace me, I am not what they were looking for but filled their void. You  might be thinking, "well, don't we all do that unintentionally?" Ah yes, and those are the times that I am quite sure I do not feel icky because, of course, it has happened to me a time or a ten when people have moved on to something else. It bothers me when they already know I am not "it" and they stay or keep me until "it" arrives or to replace the "it" they could not/do not have. I am not sure how I know the difference. I think initially it is my survival instinct that sees small behavior changes because that is what I am being told intuition really is, scientifically speaking.

When other people tell me what their standards or rules are in relationships they seem so simple and easy to pick out. They want someone with a job, car, certain height, no kids, has kids, never been married, college degree, etc. I could go on and on. I am not sure why my standards are so complex, but it sure does make it hard to spot in the beginning. How am I supposed to know when someone thinks I am too much? Looking back at other times I felt that way, it seems to start out small and playful. You know, those little slights that are wrapped in humor. If they stay that way, that is fine, but typically they turn into put downs meant to cut me down to size...the right size for them. Then they start telling others these things and more, so when you meet those people they say to you "you are nothing like I thought you would be." This has actually happened to me, a lot. The same would go for settled for. How do you know? It starts out with them sharing about a their previous relationships which seems to be the normal now days. Then you soon find out, "they" were "the one that got away." The secret one comes in the "I just want to keep my life private" package most times. I mean, how can I argue with that in the beginning? Then you start to realize that you are just a secret and in the off chance that you cross paths again, you will see them showing off the next girl.

Like I mentioned before, I have the same eerie feeling in other relationships, not just romantic ones. I am pretty sure this bothered me and happened to me with my family, with co-workers, supervisors, and friends. I was less self-aware, so I think a lot of the times that I had poor behavior within these relationships, it may have stemmed from this eerie feeling I get when it happens.

I am much more confident in who I am, now. I know I can be a "bit much," or so I have been told. I have also been told that I am a "sunburst" which can be blinding or overwhelming and people just do not know how to handle that. That person followed up with something like, "if people would only put on some sunglasses, they could enjoy your brilliance." It was one of the sweetest things I had ever heard and I carry it with me. When I start to feel like I am too much for people, I remind myself that its beautiful and they just need to deal with it. Some may take it as being cocky and rude, but to me I feel like it is being true to myself.

I have also realized I have a part in allowing others to treat me like I am not enough. I used to accept this treatment and it was detrimental to my self-esteem and well-being. Now, I am not okay with it at all. I will communicate my concerns, but if I am not taken seriously and things do not change, I am prepared to walk away; walk away from relationships, jobs, friendships, projects...well anything, really.

I am enough. I am uniquely enough. I am the perfect amount of enough.