Skip to main content

Is This Deja Vu?

Since, quitting my job and moving to Texas, I have recently been feeling this eerie sense of deja vu. My thoughts, emotions, actions, and physical well-being all seem familiar, but I have never done anything like this before....or have I?

I use the word familiar because its like a hazy representation of where I feel I have been before. I wonder if this is what it feels like to have one of those reoccurring past life experiences....who knows?! Its kind of easy to ignore because its just kind of lightly there. How do you deal with feelings that are just lightly there? You know you should deal with them, but its not like they are taking over your life. I still do stuff. I still sleep, just not as well. So, whats the hurry, right? I have other things to focus on like my kids's transition and finding a job.

But, it keeps tugging at me...like an annoying toddler pulling on my shirt. "Hey! pay attention to me." "Well, I would if I knew why you are here."

In a previous post, I talked about how my anxiety equals two feelings: fear and rage. Well...Mr. Rage Monster is knocking around inside me again. I read this book series called The Lords of the Underworld. These "Lords" house different demons and often times they describe that the demons knock around inside their head when they are trying to "protect" their host and not getting their way. This is how Mr. Rage Monster feels right now. I have my meds and coping skills, so he is not getting his way. This experience is helping me understand that the reason my anxiety is associated with fear and rage is because fear creates the rage. So, when I am feeling fear my defense is rage. Fear makes me weak. Therefore, rage is my demon protecting me from fear...if I use my book series as an analogy.
Since Mr. Rage Monster is kicking around, I decided to ask myself "what the f*** is going on?" Well, I am a visual learner of sorts, so the movie "set" from Inside Out started to appear in my head. Basically, those characters are frantically trying to understand the chaos going inside me. Fear is saying "we have been here before...fix it now before she loses her s***." Sadness is saying "I really miss my friends. I have no one to visit and distract me from my life." Bing Bong is saying "this is a grand adventure...wooooo hooooo. You go girl!" Disgust is saying "ugh, why did you do this to yourself? Was your life really THAT bad before?!"  Anger is planning with my rage monster. Joy is just chillin' in the corner with her legs crossed, bouncing her free leg in boredom.

So, back to the initial question: have I been here before? A resounding "YES!" filled my head when I woke this morning. Of course, no restful sleep was had last night because I was processing this "problem." My most recent divorce is what my current situation is being compared to. My brain, or whatever, is trying to prevent the emotional downfall of that situation this time around. You see I made a choice to find happiness and asked for a divorce. It completely changed everything about my life. Sometimes change is really f***ing hard, even when you choose it. You cannot always see the light at the end of the tunnel. Things got really dark for me during that time and people seemed to lack empathy, which explains why I am isolating myself right now. Every other coping mechanism I used to pull me out of that abyss is subconsciously (until now) being put into play in full force. Social connection is just not something I feel I can trust right now. There are no controls for it and I am completely at the mercy of others. I am terrified of meeting new people; including meeting my new therapist.

Does understanding the why and knowing how to overcome make the feelings magically go away? Absolutely not, but I am a control freak...shhhhh don't tell anyone...and knowing why helps me feel a little more in control. I feel like this is going to be a very long and lonely road and it sucks. I just hope their is a blazing light and glitter falling from the sky when I get to the end.

Side note: I am really starting to believe I was a unicorn in a past life because I am oddly attracted to glitter. I stared at some for like 3 minutes at Target yesterday trying to talk myself out of buying it.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Born To Stand Alone

I hope y'all are ready for some more Brené Brown fangirling! In my dark moments in life, somehow she always shows up to show me the light. Whether it is in a social media post, a video I run across, or a book I pick up to read at the right moment. Brené, thank you for being you and having the courage to show up and be seen.  I recently finished reading Brené Brown's book Dare to Lead . In that book she discusses values. She says that we all have two core values and the rest of the values we believe in are supportive of our two core values. I believe my two core values are: courage and legacy. When I would talk about values in my classes, I would mention integrity and authenticity as being some of my core values. I now believe those have a supporting role in my core values of legacy and courage. It takes a lot of courage to show up and be your authentic self and to sometimes stand alone in integrity. I want to be represented accurately which is why I get so upset when people...
Post a Comment
Read more

Three Days...And Counting

I have been without my anxiety meds for three days! The struggle is so real right now! I thought all my progress in my existence was because of my growth, when apparently it's because I was medicated because now that I am not, I am a hot MFing mess! I am a patient with the Veterans Administration (VA) and now understand why so many veterans loose their s*** and blame the VA. I cannot even explain how I am feeling because its so insanely messy and indescribable. Let me tell you how this happened. The VA's fix to bring services to veterans in smaller communities was to provide clinics with some providers being TeleHealth (like Skype) and no pharmacy. Your medication has to be ordered online only and mailed from a larger VA hospital. You are instructed to order your medication online the day you receive your medication from the previous order because it takes a long time to process and receive your medicine. I ordered my medicine as instructed and as I started seeing the bott...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Story I Tell Myself

There are days that I have pity parties about not being allowed to help people. You might be thinking at this very moment  wtf Christina. Who is not 'allowing' you to help people? How is that even a thing?  I know. I know. When I am being logical, I think about things differently. But, let me take you on my crazy train for a moment. Sometimes I get into my emotional pity party state because I feel shameful of how much I have not accomplished. These are the times when I see people in the same helping space as me having more followers and getting more gigs to come speak. I see these same people drawing lines and defaming other helpers-creating disconnection where we need connection and collaboration the most. That is when I start to question why. Photo by Suzy Hazelwood from Pexels Brene Brown shared the concept of "the story we tell ourselves" in her book Rising Strong . It makes so much sense. Humans are wired for storytelling. It is how we make sense of ...
Post a Comment
Read more