Is This Deja Vu?

Since, quitting my job and moving to Texas, I have recently been feeling this eerie sense of deja vu. My thoughts, emotions, actions, and physical well-being all seem familiar, but I have never done anything like this before....or have I?

I use the word familiar because its like a hazy representation of where I feel I have been before. I wonder if this is what it feels like to have one of those reoccurring past life experiences....who knows?! Its kind of easy to ignore because its just kind of lightly there. How do you deal with feelings that are just lightly there? You know you should deal with them, but its not like they are taking over your life. I still do stuff. I still sleep, just not as well. So, whats the hurry, right? I have other things to focus on like my kids's transition and finding a job.

But, it keeps tugging at me...like an annoying toddler pulling on my shirt. "Hey! pay attention to me." "Well, I would if I knew why you are here."

In a previous post, I talked about how my anxiety equals two feelings: fear and rage. Well...Mr. Rage Monster is knocking around inside me again. I read this book series called The Lords of the Underworld. These "Lords" house different demons and often times they describe that the demons knock around inside their head when they are trying to "protect" their host and not getting their way. This is how Mr. Rage Monster feels right now. I have my meds and coping skills, so he is not getting his way. This experience is helping me understand that the reason my anxiety is associated with fear and rage is because fear creates the rage. So, when I am feeling fear my defense is rage. Fear makes me weak. Therefore, rage is my demon protecting me from fear...if I use my book series as an analogy.

Since Mr. Rage Monster is kicking around, I decided to ask myself "what the f*** is going on?" Well, I am a visual learner of sorts, so the movie "set" from Inside Out started to appear in my head. Basically, those characters are frantically trying to understand the chaos going inside me. Fear is saying "we have been here before...fix it now before she loses her s***." Sadness is saying "I really miss my friends. I have no one to visit and distract me from my life." Bing Bong is saying "this is a grand adventure...wooooo hooooo. You go girl!" Disgust is saying "ugh, why did you do this to yourself? Was your life really THAT bad before?!"  Anger is planning with my rage monster. Joy is just chillin' in the corner with her legs crossed, bouncing her free leg in boredom.

So, back to the initial question: have I been here before? A resounding "YES!" filled my head when I woke this morning. Of course, no restful sleep was had last night because I was processing this "problem." My most recent divorce is what my current situation is being compared to. My brain, or whatever, is trying to prevent the emotional downfall of that situation this time around. You see I made a choice to find happiness and asked for a divorce. It completely changed everything about my life. Sometimes change is really f***ing hard, even when you choose it. You cannot always see the light at the end of the tunnel. Things got really dark for me during that time and people seemed to lack empathy, which explains why I am isolating myself right now. Every other coping mechanism I used to pull me out of that abyss is subconsciously (until now) being put into play in full force. Social connection is just not something I feel I can trust right now. There are no controls for it and I am completely at the mercy of others. I am terrified of meeting new people; including meeting my new therapist.

Does understanding the why and knowing how to overcome make the feelings magically go away? Absolutely not, but I am a control freak...shhhhh don't tell anyone...and knowing why helps me feel a little more in control. I feel like this is going to be a very long and lonely road and it sucks. I just hope their is a blazing light and glitter falling from the sky when I get to the end.

Side note: I am really starting to believe I was a unicorn in a past life because I am oddly attracted to glitter. I stared at some for like 3 minutes at Target yesterday trying to talk myself out of buying it.