I have been full time job-seeking for about five weeks now. Recently I saw a post on LinkedIn by a frustrated fellow job-seeker. Reading this post and seeing the responses reminded me of the types of posts I see about dating. It made me realize there are a lot of similarities between job-seeking and dating. Job-seeking can be an emotionally charged event just like dating can be. I have categorized the similarities of dating and job-seeking into three areas: personal preferences, cold online world, and rejection. Sometimes a job-seeker needs a little empathy and empowerment so they can keep trying, just like someone who is dating.
Personal Preferences
Let's start with personal preferences. My first observation with job-seeking is how much advice is available and thrust upon job-seekers through social media, articles, and companies designed to assist job-seekers. I rarely see any scientific background cited for the advice given. It seems to come from personal preference. Personal preference seems to be infinite. What I also noticed is often the advice conflicts. This is very similar in the dating world. What's wrong with that, you might wonder. You might think the more advice the better. However, the constant barrage of conflicting advice can cause a job-seeker to re-evaluate themselves with every new tidbit because they really want THAT job. This is especially dangerous when they read article after article and post after post that starts with something along the lines "you didn't get that job you wanted because you didn't do this magical thing." Now, the job-seeker is feeling dumb and worthless because they messed up this magical way of getting a job and they should have known better. Talk about a toll on the self-esteem.
Conflicting advice and constant re-evaluation is just the beginning of the personal preference stressor
in job-seeking. If you are lucky enough to be selected for a job interview, this is your "first date" with your employer. Often times, it's more like a first date with your possible future mother-in-law. This can be very awkward. You are either trying to impress your actual employer or their stand-in. There are plenty of articles that talk about how to crush your interview and even more to tell you where you went wrong, as if all interviews go wrong the same way. Honestly, I think it comes down to personal preference. You made it to the interview, so you have the skills. But, you do not know the personal preference of your interviewer(s). Just like a first date, you are trying to figure out what their preference is and meet it. Or you can take the risk of just being yourself and hope for the best, but that is not the advice that is often given. Once the interview is over and you do not get hired, you are left wondering why. "Was I too confident?" "Was I not confident enough?" "Should I have worn a blazer? They all had blazers on. That must be it."
Networking is your answer to the personal preference down-fall of hiring. The more people that get to know you, the more people can connect you with the right fit. It can save a job-seeker wasted time and heart-ache. This is the equivalent of friends setting friends up on dates because they know they would be great together. I have met many people that were so grateful to being set up and have a beautiful relationship now.
Cold Online World
Online application systems and the dating websites/apps have a lot in common. If you have certain criteria and you want to narrow down your choices, you tell the computer. Unfortunately, these choices are not always the most important determinations for a match. Is height more important than great communication? Is the ability to use Microsoft Word more important than problem solving abilities? Hard facts, just like hard skills, are easier to determine with software. But, what is a company missing out on by relying on these systems? In addition, they are not always accurate. Yes, we think computers are the most accurate thing in the world. However, explain how a person can apply to identical positions, in the same organization, with the same profile and only be considered for one of them with the algorithm used by the software.
It is also easier to reject people over a cold computer system. First, the selection system can reject a job-seeker. Then the hiring manager can easily send you an email to reject a job-seeker. It has been researched how little connectedness there is through the computer and other devices. Not to mention how people communicate with each other over social media platforms like LinkedIn. It is advised to reach out to strangers for advice and mentorship through this forum. The stranger on the receiving end has no personal connection with the job-seeker; therefore, it is easy to lack empathy with responses. This is no different with the online dating world. First, the system rejects prospects. Next, the user can swipe left. Lastly, if things are not going well over online messages, the dater can be as rude as they want because there is no personal connection.
How do we fix this? Networking is a great answer to this stressor, also. Yes, it takes a lot of time and effort to meet new people face to face, but it takes away the coldness of online job-seeking. It would be great to go back to the olden days of meeting "the one" in a grocery store. We have gone away from walking up to a stranger and sparking up conversation. We never know where it could lead.
Rejection
I believe rejection is probably the most difficult part of job-seeking. Science shows that the same areas of the brain are activated for rejection as when we receive physical pain. Science also shows that we are able to relive social pain more easily than physical pain. Finally, science shows that rejection does not respond to reason and lowers our IQ.
We tend to be able to associate rejection with dating. But, it seems quite difficult for some to connect job-seeking and rejection. If one were to apply to thirty jobs and none of them responded or all of them said "no, thank you" only after the initial application; it might seem that it's no big deal. It's not like when you like someone and are rejected, right? What if I poked you in your arm 30 times in the same location. Do you think you might get a little sore? The level of rejection might be low, but it's an extremely high number of times. Humans innately want to be wanted. Every application that is dismissed is a rejection. Every "you did not get the job" after an interview is a rejection. It adds up and it is damaging.
Another phenomenon from dating that I have miraculously found in job-seeking is ghosting. Ghosting is another form of rejection. People come out of the wood-work to help a person in need; often having good intentions. I am not sure why people ghost. There is scientific backing that persons who offer to help get the same feel good feeling as people that actually help. So, maybe they get their fix and they move on. I just thought it was interesting.
What can a job-seeker do about rejection? I believe the best thing is to know who you can reach out to for empathy and support. Brené Brown uses the marble jar analogy. The basics are to build trust with someone one marble at a time. If you have a fairly full jar of marbles with a person, they are probably someone you can share deep things with. Rejection is deep. Do not go to LinkedIn or a job placement guru and expect empathy.
Final Note
Just like dating, there is no one-size-fits-all magical method to finding and landing your dream position. I do have my own advice to share that I think is quite simple:
1. Be Your Best Self
Dress nice and for your body type; add a little of your personality. I will not wear a pencil skirt, blazer, and stilettos to an interview because I am not going to wear those things to work. Have a few people look over your resume and then tailor it when you need to. Other than that, leave it alone. You will have a million people telling you to do it a million different ways. Communicate well in interviews but be who you are.
2. Know Your Worth/Make Them See Your Value
If you are confident that you are the person for the job, own it. Tell everyone why you are the right person for the job. Be honest, always. If you are not sure of your worth, work that out before you go to an interview. If you do not know your worth, it will be hard for others to see your value.
3. Do Not Settle
You know what you deserve, do not settle for less. This means during the interview or while networking seek out information that matters to you. In dating, you are eventually, if things go well, going to end up being a part of other aspects of their life. The same thing goes for job-seeking. You are going to go beyond the interviewer(s) and interview room.
**Of course, in job-seeking there is an exception to this rule, if you NEED a job, settle for now. But, continue seeking out what you deserve.**
Let's start with personal preferences. My first observation with job-seeking is how much advice is available and thrust upon job-seekers through social media, articles, and companies designed to assist job-seekers. I rarely see any scientific background cited for the advice given. It seems to come from personal preference. Personal preference seems to be infinite. What I also noticed is often the advice conflicts. This is very similar in the dating world. What's wrong with that, you might wonder. You might think the more advice the better. However, the constant barrage of conflicting advice can cause a job-seeker to re-evaluate themselves with every new tidbit because they really want THAT job. This is especially dangerous when they read article after article and post after post that starts with something along the lines "you didn't get that job you wanted because you didn't do this magical thing." Now, the job-seeker is feeling dumb and worthless because they messed up this magical way of getting a job and they should have known better. Talk about a toll on the self-esteem.
Conflicting advice and constant re-evaluation is just the beginning of the personal preference stressor in job-seeking. If you are lucky enough to be selected for a job interview, this is your "first date" with your employer. Often times, it's more like a first date with your possible future mother-in-law. This can be very awkward. You are either trying to impress your actual employer or their stand-in. There are plenty of articles that talk about how to crush your interview and even more to tell you where you went wrong, as if all interviews go wrong the same way. Honestly, I think it comes down to personal preference. You made it to the interview, so you have the skills. But, you do not know the personal preference of your interviewer(s). Just like a first date, you are trying to figure out what their preference is and meet it. Or you can take the risk of just being yourself and hope for the best, but that is not the advice that is often given. Once the interview is over and you do not get hired, you are left wondering why. "Was I too confident?" "Was I not confident enough?" "Should I have worn a blazer? They all had blazers on. That must be it."
Networking is your answer to the personal preference down-fall of hiring. The more people that get to know you, the more people can connect you with the right fit. It can save a job-seeker wasted time and heart-ache. This is the equivalent of friends setting friends up on dates because they know they would be great together. I have met many people that were so grateful to being set up and have a beautiful relationship now.
Cold Online World
Online application systems and the dating websites/apps have a lot in common. If you have certain criteria and you want to narrow down your choices, you tell the computer. Unfortunately, these choices are not always the most important determinations for a match. Is height more important than great communication? Is the ability to use Microsoft Word more important than problem solving abilities? Hard facts, just like hard skills, are easier to determine with software. But, what is a company missing out on by relying on these systems? In addition, they are not always accurate. Yes, we think computers are the most accurate thing in the world. However, explain how a person can apply to identical positions, in the same organization, with the same profile and only be considered for one of them with the algorithm used by the software.
How do we fix this? Networking is a great answer to this stressor, also. Yes, it takes a lot of time and effort to meet new people face to face, but it takes away the coldness of online job-seeking. It would be great to go back to the olden days of meeting "the one" in a grocery store. We have gone away from walking up to a stranger and sparking up conversation. We never know where it could lead.
Rejection
I believe rejection is probably the most difficult part of job-seeking. Science shows that the same areas of the brain are activated for rejection as when we receive physical pain. Science also shows that we are able to relive social pain more easily than physical pain. Finally, science shows that rejection does not respond to reason and lowers our IQ.
We tend to be able to associate rejection with dating. But, it seems quite difficult for some to connect job-seeking and rejection. If one were to apply to thirty jobs and none of them responded or all of them said "no, thank you" only after the initial application; it might seem that it's no big deal. It's not like when you like someone and are rejected, right? What if I poked you in your arm 30 times in the same location. Do you think you might get a little sore? The level of rejection might be low, but it's an extremely high number of times. Humans innately want to be wanted. Every application that is dismissed is a rejection. Every "you did not get the job" after an interview is a rejection. It adds up and it is damaging.
What can a job-seeker do about rejection? I believe the best thing is to know who you can reach out to for empathy and support. Brené Brown uses the marble jar analogy. The basics are to build trust with someone one marble at a time. If you have a fairly full jar of marbles with a person, they are probably someone you can share deep things with. Rejection is deep. Do not go to LinkedIn or a job placement guru and expect empathy.
Final Note
Just like dating, there is no one-size-fits-all magical method to finding and landing your dream position. I do have my own advice to share that I think is quite simple:
1. Be Your Best Self
Dress nice and for your body type; add a little of your personality. I will not wear a pencil skirt, blazer, and stilettos to an interview because I am not going to wear those things to work. Have a few people look over your resume and then tailor it when you need to. Other than that, leave it alone. You will have a million people telling you to do it a million different ways. Communicate well in interviews but be who you are.
2. Know Your Worth/Make Them See Your Value
If you are confident that you are the person for the job, own it. Tell everyone why you are the right person for the job. Be honest, always. If you are not sure of your worth, work that out before you go to an interview. If you do not know your worth, it will be hard for others to see your value.
3. Do Not Settle
You know what you deserve, do not settle for less. This means during the interview or while networking seek out information that matters to you. In dating, you are eventually, if things go well, going to end up being a part of other aspects of their life. The same thing goes for job-seeking. You are going to go beyond the interviewer(s) and interview room.
**Of course, in job-seeking there is an exception to this rule, if you NEED a job, settle for now. But, continue seeking out what you deserve.**
If you do those three things and get hired, you know that it is a good fit.
They want YOU! You want THEM!
Its a win-win.
I have been job-seeking full time for five weeks.
I wish I could treat it like I treat dating:
Eff this, I would rather be unemployed.
Comments
Post a Comment