Skip to main content

I Used to Hate My Birthday

I have not had the best birthdays and I used to be so upset about it until my 40th Birthday. I am not quite sure what about that birthday changed my perspective, but it did.


I just celebrated my 41st Birthday on Monday. It was not the most spectacularly celebrated birthday. However, I got what I wanted. First, I was not sure I would have all of my daughters with me to celebrate my birthday, but I did. My second oldest drove my oldest down a few days prior to spend some time with me. Also, I thought I was going to spend the day of alone and I planned to do so with a carefully crafted schedule to ensure I did not get sad. It's a coping skill I mastered through researching self-care for when my daughter is away for the summer. Then, I received a message from a friend "Good morning honey!!! Happy Birthday!!! Let me take you to lunch today." I scrapped my plans and oh boy was it a hot mess trying to meet up, but we did it! It was the best Denny's lunch I have ever had.


But, why did I used to hate my birthday?

As far back as I can remember, my birthday has sucked. The first birthday I can remember was a sleepover I had in the 4th or 5th grade. It was the first time I realized I will never fit in. When you are child that doesn't fit in, it is the end of the world. I remember sitting alone crying because the girls I invited were enjoying hanging out with my cousin, whom I was forced to invite, and ignoring me. I remember my mom not being very understanding. I honestly cannot retrieve a remotely happy memory of a birthday until my 16th Birthday, so I am going to skip all that negativity and move forward to that day.


My Sweet 16 was spent in a group home. Not only was I in a group home, I do not remember visits from my family. In addition, a girl and a boy fraternized that day and we were on lock down. I was so upset that I would not be able to spend my birthday with my dude friends on the other hall. But, here is where it gets good. The staff allowed the boys to join us in the girls day-room to sing Happy Birthday and take half my cake, which I wanted to share with them. That was probably the first time I felt like someone cared about what I wanted for my birthday. For so many years I was angry that I spent my 16th Birthday in a group home instead of being grateful that I was surrounded by a staff that adored me enough to bend the rules.

My 17th Birthday started out as a disaster because as a teenager, it's hard to see the good in things sometimes. I had three people show up to my little backyard chill out. Looking back now, that should have been enough. Those were the people I mattered to. One of my friends called two other friends of hers and we sat around BSing. For so many years I looked down on that birthday instead of being grateful for my friend who loved me so much, she called two people I did not know to come spend the afternoon with me.

Every year, my birthday seemed so disappointing for one reason or another. However, what I now realize is my birthdays are just a reflection of where I am in my life. It reflects my friendships,  romantic relationships, who I am as a person, and my priorities. I will never have the birthday like I see on TV because that is not what I value or the intention for my birthday. My birthdays are meant to be a reminder of where and who I am in that moment. I am grateful that my birthday has more significance than a cake, theme, and presents.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Will You Be My Friend?

Why is it so hard to make friends? Humans need social connections to survive and thrive. I feel that developing friendships gets harder as we get older, but then wonder if it slopes back down after a certain age. Since moving to Texas, I have met many wonderful people that I believe had good intentions to grow a friendship with me. I have been here for nine months and feel disconnected. The other day, I was sharing how I was feeling with a new person in my life. She expressed she had been experiencing the same thing. That conversation inspired this post. As a child, I did struggle to make friends, but not like how I do now. I kind of just picked someone that liked the same things as me and then would be friends for however long. I have noticed that as people get older, like golden years older, they start to lack f***s. By then I think I might be like "either you like me or you don't." I have shared in previous posts why friendship is distinctly challenging for me...
9 comments
Read more

Twenty-Nineteen, My Year of Courage

... Courage is the word I picked to live by in 2019 Image by 1778011 from Pixabay How did I show courage this year? I moved to Texas without a solid plan. I decided that it was time to see what was on the other side of fear. Leaving the comfort and security of Florida was scary. Moving away from my Florida family, not knowing how to have long distance friendships was scary. Relocating on my own, without the military, without a guarantee, was friggin' scary.  I challenged myself to do uncomfortable things. I have a strong distaste for social engagements that are not themed purposeful parties. That has not changed. But, I knew it was a necessary evil and ventured out to networking events. I crashed a few times, but quickly developed a great strategy. Now, I am somewhat considered an expert on the topic, at least for those that avoid social engagements also.  I faced being fired square in the face and stood tall. I do not shy away from my being fired. I don't e...
Post a Comment
Read more

Seriously People, Stop With The "Sonar Ping!"

I would like to quickly share how I feel about the phenomenon I call the Sonar Ping text message. This is when someone texts you a "Hey," "Hello," "Sup," [hand wave], etc. You send a quick response back and then you do not hear from them again until much time has passed. I can only guess as to why people do this. Maybe, they want to make sure you are still available to them-when and if they actually want to make time for you. Or possibly, they want to make sure you are alive-feeling guilty about ignoring you. Or perhaps, they genuinely wanted to connect with you but, something is preventing them from completing that chain. Usually this type of behavior does not bother me, but right now it bugs the f**** outta me. You see, I am desperately craving connection and attention. I miss my friends in Florida so very much. I miss my face to face interactions with them. These days, I am alone a lot. Texting is just not quite cutting it anymore. Texting from cer...
Post a Comment
Read more