Born To Stand Alone

I hope y'all are ready for some more Brené Brown fangirling! In my dark moments in life, somehow she always shows up to show me the light. Whether it is in a social media post, a video I run across, or a book I pick up to read at the right moment. Brené, thank you for being you and having the courage to show up and be seen. 

I recently finished reading Brené Brown's book Dare to Lead. In that book she discusses values. She says that we all have two core values and the rest of the values we believe in are supportive of our two core values. I believe my two core values are: courage and legacy. When I would talk about values in my classes, I would mention integrity and authenticity as being some of my core values. I now believe those have a supporting role in my core values of legacy and courage. It takes a lot of courage to show up and be your authentic self and to sometimes stand alone in integrity. I want to be represented accurately which is why I get so upset when people lie about me.

I have done a lot of work and I am very proud of the person I have become. I am living my values: courage and legacy. What I have not figured out is how to deal when people have an aversion to me. I feel like a target at work right now. It happens to me every where I go. I know what most people would say, "well stop doing whatever you are doing to attract this unwanted attention." If I did that, I would not be myself. Have I made mistakes at work? Heck yeah! I owned up to them and I am identifying ways to prevent them in the future. However, what is causing me to be a target and always has is my two core values: courage and legacy.

I will focus on legacy because that one is the most interesting in my opinion. My value of legacy makes me want to be the best. Now, do I feel like I have to be better than others? Nope. Matter of fact, I do try to empower and encourage others to join me on this journey of excellence. But, if they do not want to come, I will leave their asses at the train station. I do not compete with others. It may seem that I do, but I only compete with myself.

When you are new to a team and start noticing things that are not within standard, rigged to succeed in the moment-but fail later, inefficient, and ineffective; you start discussing them-preparing for improvements. No one likes that. NO ONE! I never say anything was dumb or what-not. I even acknowledge that people do what they know how to do. Its no big deal to me. I understand change management. There are a lot more ney-sayers in the beginning. However, I look like a difficult employee due to the ney-sayers because boy do they bad-mouth me and LIE! Usually you have some early adopters to change. Unfortunately for me, right now, I do not have any supporters. They have resigned from their positions due to being so unhappy prior to my being hired.

So here I am, miserable at work. I started asking myself "why does this always happen to me?" Yeah, being a big baby victim. My anxiety is through the roof, so I have to find constructive things to do to keep my mind focused. I had just finished Dare to Lead, so I grabbed a random book off my shelf that I had not read yet. I thought it would be a good idea to have a book with me at an outreach event for the slow moments. I opened the book at my information table and read the first chapter. I almost cried. The universe provided me with an opportunity to learn how to get through my current situation.

Reading the first chapter of Braving the Wilderness by Brené Brown made me realize that I had not learned how to stand alone. Instead, I start participating in the game that others have begun to play so I can fit in. Which, I now recognize as making things worse. The rest of the book title is: The quest for true belonging and the courage to stand alone. When I have to stand alone at work, I "hustle" to belong. My actions conflict with my values and causes so many other issues.

When your behavior changes, people notice. I will give an example of how that impacts me at work. People get used to the office gossipers. It becomes an unnoticeable trait because it becomes a normal thing. Does it still impact the workplace, yes. But, that person is just accepted how they are and they are no longer the problem when it comes to gossip. However, if you are not the office gossiper and join the game thinking this is how you "belong," your behavior has changed negatively and its highly noticeable. Now, you are the issue. Boom!

This is where I believe I go wrong in these types of situations. I stop being myself and start trying to belong. How dumb is it to want to belong to people with such negative behavior!? Reading this book, I felt like someone else understood me. Brené writes about owing her career to not belonging. I really understood what she was saying when she wrote:

I found my primary coping mechanism for not belonging in studying people. I was a seeker of pattern and connection. I knew if I could recognize patterns in people's behavior and connect those patterns to what people were feeling and doing I could find my way.

She further explains that she used that ability to anticipate what people wanted, thought, and did-learning how to say the right thing or show up in the right way-becoming an "expert fitter in." When I read that paragraph, I thought loudly in my head "THAT'S ME!" Then, Brené explained how that negatively impacted her and I quietly thought "that's also me."

Now I am on this difficult journey of learning how to stand alone at work. I am quickly putting a support network in place with my friends, a new online counselor, and this book-oh and some upped medication to get me through (just want to be transparent that I am not superwoman). Wish me luck!