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Hide And Seek

I am starting to feel myself disengage.
This tends to happen when I feel my current circle is not connected with me. It probably does not sound like a big deal, but it is. I understand the ramifications of isolation and disconnection all too well.

I am terrified of this feeling of disengagement. It can lead to detrimental physical, mental, and emotional consequences. I am feeling very sad, lost, scared, and alone. It's pretty damn dark down here in this hole and I have gone out into the wilderness without my gear of coping skills. I can faintly hear my long distance friends calling out to me, but I cannot figure out how far away or in which direction they are. It is cold, damp, and dreary. I can see little glimmers of light through the thick branches and leaves. I am weary.

I am also enlightened-very aware of what is going on. Once you are enlightened, you cannot really go back to being ignorant. I know I am out in the darkness alone, but I cannot find me. I am desperately moving fast, searching. I can feel my heavy breath and the fear that I may not get there in time. I am rummaging through my pack of healthy coping skills-digging-hoping to find the right one. It's hard to dig through a pack, while moving, but it must be done. There is no time to waste.

It feels like I am two people right now.
1. The person that needs help
2. The person trying to help
It is a weird feeling to have.

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