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Stand Tall

I have always been afraid to show people who I really am. 

It is a vulnerable place to be and admitting it is just as vulnerable. One of the promises I made to myself when I embarked on my journey of courage in January was to be true to myself. I have not been perfect at it, but I have done pretty well. 



Not compromising who you are can shrink your circle and can be quite lonely. That loneliness can get to me. However, it is much lonelier to be surrounded by people and feel completely disconnected from them and myself. I believe there is some sort of relative gap and can cause the feeling of loneliness to have more or less impact.

Being rejected when you are you can be painful. For an overthinker and problem solver like me it can be torture-keeping me awake most nights, analyzing all the data. I lay awake working out the problem of "is it worth it?" In the end, I determine that it is. But, the time and energy spent working out the problem is forever gone and I am tired a lot. 

Because of the promise I made myself, I am so much more selective with all aspects of my life making it much harder for me to find a career, friends, and someone to date. When I have my pity party, about once a month, I am reminded of how picky I am as if it is a bad thing. Hello shame spiral. I hit the bottom and bounce back up. It is an annoying little cycle of mine, but it keeps me humble-if you can believe that-and moving forward in life. 

I hate the saying "no pain, no gain." But, it is true on some level. We would never grow if we did not experience struggle. We would never appreciate the joyous and spectacular moments had we never experienced any of the sad and challenging moments. 

Being true to myself has not brought me the type of success that is coveted by our society. It has brought me closer to my daughters, my friends and family that remain, and myself. That is success to me. Learning to stand tall in who I am is a kind of freedom that I wish I had known long ago. 

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