Standing Strong In The Face of Adversity

I have been exploring true connection for about two years.

Brené Brown [yup I am back to talking about my idol] has been my teacher on the subject. I read her books and put her teachings into practice. It is hard at first, but it gets easier. I am at a tender moment in my life. I want to share some things that I have learned that are helping me right now.

Marble Jar

The story Brené shares in many of her books when teaching her daughter about boundaries has resonated with me. I had no boundaries for a long time. This was due to my instant relationships and desperation for connection. My excuse was "oh I am just being honest." That honestly hurt me more times than helping me. In the story, Brené's daughter is upset that a friend betrayed her. Brené uses the marble jar that sits on her daughter's teacher's desk as her analogy. The teacher would add a marble to the jar when the students would do great things for each other and behaved well. But, when they would misbehave or do something not so nice, a marble would be taken out. Brené explained that this is how we should develop relationships. The more marbles in a jar, the more you can trust that person. But, when they betray that trust you remove marbles. This analogy has been my determining factor on who, what, and how to share at this tender moment in my life. 

The Arena

In Brené 's book Daring Greatly, she uses a popular section of Teddy Roosevelt's Citizenship in a Republic speech-The Man in The Arena. It reads:

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

I have always backed up my failures with "I do not like to have regrets." But, what I realized is, I used to care what people thought of those shortcomings. I would let them weigh in as they sat in their mediocre safety of not trying. Even still, I realized that I was not as brave as I thought I was. The things I would not venture out to do were the things that solely relied on myself and faith. Holy shit it was scary at first, but it is quite exhilarating now. I have also learned to be a little more eloquent with standing up for myself when someone tries to put me down for trying. 

I Belong to Myself

In Brené's book Braving the Wilderness, she uses a quote by Maya Angelou. I had forgotten how much I love what Maya says. She is so smart and inspirational. The quote reads:

You are only free when you realize you belong no place-you belong every place-no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great. 

In the book, Brené talks about hustling for belonging. I understood that in a different way. I would talk to people about my chameleon abilities. Because I moved around so much, finding myself in different crowds, I developed the ability to fit in anywhere. I did not understand the toll that took on my life until I had hit rock bottom-not knowing who I was. It was a scary time in my life. Figuring out who I was took some time and loneliness. But, this book helped me have the courage to stand tall in who I am. Before, I was only brave around the people I knew liked me. Now, I am who I am. When I dress to fit in-I still show up as me...well sometimes with less curse words, but still me.

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Putting all three of these together has helped me be honest with people and advocate for myself when times are tough. I have learned to evaluate people for who they really are, creating greater connection. I have learned to not internalize the haters or non-empathetic assholes. I have learned that its okay to have bad days-if that is where I am at. Being okay with standing alone is amazing, but realizing that I am not alone is even more amazing. I guess this is the "no expectations" thing one of  my mentors was trying to teach me a while back. 

I used to scramble for relationships when times were tough for me. If you did not realize, those are the times you attract co-dependent people...those people that thrive on saving others. These are the people that do not want you to get stronger because you will no longer need them. I avoid those MFers like the plague now. If you were not in my corner when I was doing awesome, you can just stay TF away when I am struggling. I would rather be on my own. Just sayin'!