I'm Mfing Awesome, Yo!

How many times in our lives have we apologized when we didn't mean it or forgave before we were ready? Why do we do this? Is it because it's what's expected? Is it because we don't want to feel the feelings? When we pretend to apologize or forgive, what does that really accomplish? I recently received an apology and I almost immediately responded "apology accepted" or "I forgive you" because that is what I learned was "right" and have since taught my children. But, the truth of the matter was, I did not accept the apology and I was not ready to forgive. I have felt uneasy about this ever since. I have thought a lot about this situation and other recent occurrences surrounding the topic of forgiveness. I realized this must be the next lesson I need to learn and I began to research "forgiveness." Before you get too excited, I have not found the magical "how to forgive" guide. There are some who tell you how to forgive, ...

Movies and books tell us that in order to know we matter, we have to be chased. It looks a little something like this: First, you meet and things seem to be going great. Then they do something to lose you or they run away from you. A short time later, they realize what they lost (or ran away from) and decide they need to get it back. The chase begins and eventually they have won what was once lost. They never want to lose it again, so they work to keep you forever and you live happily every after. This not only happens in interpersonal relationships, but also in friendships, workplace relationships; pretty much anywhere there is a relationship dynamic. You are probably wondering, how can this happen in the work place? Well, this is how that could look: You get hired and things are going great. You start to feel underappreciated or underemployed. You express this (or do not express this) to your supervisor and/or co-workers. You start looking for employment elsewhere because...

A couple weeks ago I had dinner with a friend I haven’t seen in 4 months or so. We spent 4 hours catching up. At the end of the conversation, we both mentioned it had been too long and how much we miss hanging out. I then said something like, “it’s hard for me to ask people to do things because I feel like the only person with immense free time and it makes me look needy, clingy, and lonely.” She came back and said “I never ask because I feel like a burden to people.” This exchange turned on the file system in my brain.  Just about every assumption or fearful thought that was expressed to me or by me about not reaching out came flying out of my imaginary file cabinet in my brain. They sorted themselves beautifully into a clearer picture...like a data puzzle. It was time to analyze and try to understand this relationship barrier I seem to run across often. What causes relationships to fade? Life is constantly evolving. When it stops being convenient to see someon...

I am often represented in tarot card readings with the Queen of Swords. The Queen of Swords is independent, perceptive, a quick thinker, and organized. She is a survivor; overcoming physical and emotional challenges by using her cool head. This is quite the complement to be represented as a queen. However, being a queenly person must come with its challenges. When I look at the life of a true queen, it seems isolating and lonesome to me. I assume they have to constantly wonder who they can trust and protect their vulnerabilities. They probably wonder who loves them for who they truly are because, honestly, not many would get to see them as they are. Of course, I am only speculating, but I am going to use the analogy for this post. As far back as I can remember, I have played roles. I have been known to say to people "I am not sure I know who I am because I am so great at being what others need me to be." My therapist calls this wearing a mask . I look at queens (through mov...