I'm Mfing Awesome, Yo!

Let's talk about dating. I pretty much do not do it anymore!  But, I do have plenty of conversations about it and why I choose not to. Do I want to be single?  No and that is normal, people!!!  I have realized that dating is basically a bunch of broken people that do not want to be alone, but also do not want any kind of real connection because that means they have to be vulnerable and who wants that?  Hey! Quote me on that...hell make a meme and share it on social media. Thanks! I can deal with the bullshit hoping to find the diamond in the rough if I did not have to deal with the judgmental assholes that are well meaning, but are really just terrible "fixers." I would prefer for people to place blame where it should be: on the douche that played me. Can I get a little empathy up in here?.....up in here On the rare occasion someone is interested in me, I give them a chance. I give them a real chance. When he turns out to be "like all the others....

I have been exploring true connection for about two years. Brené Brown [yup I am back to talking about my idol] has been my teacher on the subject. I read her books and put her teachings into practice. It is hard at first, but it gets easier. I am at a tender moment in my life. I want to share some things that I have learned that are helping me right now. Marble Jar The story Brené shares in many of her books when teaching her daughter about boundaries has resonated with me. I had no boundaries for a long time. This was due to my instant relationships and desperation for connection. My excuse was "oh I am just being honest." That honestly hurt me more times than helping me. In the story, Brené's daughter is upset that a friend betrayed her. Brené uses the marble jar that sits on her daughter's teacher's desk as her analogy. The teacher would add a marble to the jar when the students would do great things for each other and behaved well. But, when they wou...

I have always been afraid to show people who I really am.  It is a vulnerable place to be and admitting it is just as vulnerable. One of the promises I made to myself when I embarked on my journey of courage in January was to be true to myself. I have not been perfect at it, but I have done pretty well.  Not compromising who you are can shrink your circle and can be quite lonely. That loneliness can get to me. However, it is much lonelier to be surrounded by people and feel completely disconnected from them and myself. I believe there is some sort of relative gap and can cause the feeling of loneliness to have more or less impact. Being rejected when you are you can be painful. For an overthinker and problem solver like me it can be torture-keeping me awake most nights, analyzing all the data. I lay awake working out the problem of "is it worth it?" In the end, I determine that it is. But, the time and energy spent working out the problem is forever gone and I ...

When words escape me, music is there. I wrote a similar sentence on a letter I wrote to my daughter in Army Basic Combat Training. I committed myself to writing to her twice a week. I need a schedule or I will forget crap. Yeah, I know! How can I forget to write to my kid? Easy-it just happens. I am not ashamed of my momming anymore. My kids are pretty awesome, so I guess I do not suck.  Back to music. There I was, exhausted from a week of boring a** Salesforce training, with nothing to say. I had turned on my Music Monday Compilation just for background noise and stared at the videos. A few songs went by and I thought to myself "my daughter really could use these songs right now." So that is how her letter got started. I wrote the word "Remember" and started writing some lyrics from Titanium . I thought that would be a perfect start because we love the movie Pitch Perfect and that song has a special place in the movie. I thought after the lyrics, I would ...

Why is it so hard to make friends? Humans need social connections to survive and thrive. I feel that developing friendships gets harder as we get older, but then wonder if it slopes back down after a certain age. Since moving to Texas, I have met many wonderful people that I believe had good intentions to grow a friendship with me. I have been here for nine months and feel disconnected. The other day, I was sharing how I was feeling with a new person in my life. She expressed she had been experiencing the same thing. That conversation inspired this post. As a child, I did struggle to make friends, but not like how I do now. I kind of just picked someone that liked the same things as me and then would be friends for however long. I have noticed that as people get older, like golden years older, they start to lack f***s. By then I think I might be like "either you like me or you don't." I have shared in previous posts why friendship is distinctly challenging for me...

I am starting to feel myself disengage. This tends to happen when I feel my current circle is not connected with me. It probably does not sound like a big deal, but it is. I understand the ramifications of isolation and disconnection all too well. I am terrified of this feeling of disengagement. It can lead to detrimental physical, mental, and emotional consequences. I am feeling very sad, lost, scared, and alone. It's pretty damn dark down here in this hole and I have gone out into the wilderness without my gear of coping skills. I can faintly hear my long distance friends calling out to me, but I cannot figure out how far away or in which direction they are. It is cold, damp, and dreary. I can see little glimmers of light through the thick branches and leaves. I am weary. I am also enlightened-very aware of what is going on. Once you are enlightened, you cannot really go back to being ignorant. I know I am out in the darkness alone, but I cannot find me. I am desperately m...

I would like to quickly share how I feel about the phenomenon I call the Sonar Ping text message. This is when someone texts you a "Hey," "Hello," "Sup," [hand wave], etc. You send a quick response back and then you do not hear from them again until much time has passed. I can only guess as to why people do this. Maybe, they want to make sure you are still available to them-when and if they actually want to make time for you. Or possibly, they want to make sure you are alive-feeling guilty about ignoring you. Or perhaps, they genuinely wanted to connect with you but, something is preventing them from completing that chain. Usually this type of behavior does not bother me, but right now it bugs the f**** outta me. You see, I am desperately craving connection and attention. I miss my friends in Florida so very much. I miss my face to face interactions with them. These days, I am alone a lot. Texting is just not quite cutting it anymore. Texting from cer...