I'm Mfing Awesome, Yo!

... Courage is the word I picked to live by in 2019 Image by 1778011 from Pixabay How did I show courage this year? I moved to Texas without a solid plan. I decided that it was time to see what was on the other side of fear. Leaving the comfort and security of Florida was scary. Moving away from my Florida family, not knowing how to have long distance friendships was scary. Relocating on my own, without the military, without a guarantee, was friggin' scary.  I challenged myself to do uncomfortable things. I have a strong distaste for social engagements that are not themed purposeful parties. That has not changed. But, I knew it was a necessary evil and ventured out to networking events. I crashed a few times, but quickly developed a great strategy. Now, I am somewhat considered an expert on the topic, at least for those that avoid social engagements also.  I faced being fired square in the face and stood tall. I do not shy away from my being fired. I don't e...

There are days that I have pity parties about not being allowed to help people. You might be thinking at this very moment  wtf Christina. Who is not 'allowing' you to help people? How is that even a thing?  I know. I know. When I am being logical, I think about things differently. But, let me take you on my crazy train for a moment. Sometimes I get into my emotional pity party state because I feel shameful of how much I have not accomplished. These are the times when I see people in the same helping space as me having more followers and getting more gigs to come speak. I see these same people drawing lines and defaming other helpers-creating disconnection where we need connection and collaboration the most. That is when I start to question why. Photo by Suzy Hazelwood from Pexels Brene Brown shared the concept of "the story we tell ourselves" in her book Rising Strong . It makes so much sense. Humans are wired for storytelling. It is how we make sense of ...

I listened to a stranger tell the story of his first Christmas with his then 8 year old daughter, post divorce. When he first began his story, my initial reaction was "oh geeze, another ugly divorce story where the dude gets screwed over. how cliche." I was presently surprised when his story quickly shifted to his experience of trying to make a magical memory for his daughter. Photo by Toni Cuenca from Pexels I was hooked on that story. I listened to every word, eagerly waiting for the next. When he finished telling his story, I shared some thoughts with him. That was the purpose of this meet-up anyhow. That was a great story. Even though you started off your story about your divorce being ugly, the rest of the story was relatable to so many people, divorced or not. Not having the money to have a big Christmas and not understanding what your children envision Christmas as, is so relatable.  As he read his story, I thought about this Christmas. This year I am super ...

Let's talk about dating. I pretty much do not do it anymore!  But, I do have plenty of conversations about it and why I choose not to. Do I want to be single?  No and that is normal, people!!!  I have realized that dating is basically a bunch of broken people that do not want to be alone, but also do not want any kind of real connection because that means they have to be vulnerable and who wants that?  Hey! Quote me on that...hell make a meme and share it on social media. Thanks! I can deal with the bullshit hoping to find the diamond in the rough if I did not have to deal with the judgmental assholes that are well meaning, but are really just terrible "fixers." I would prefer for people to place blame where it should be: on the douche that played me. Can I get a little empathy up in here?.....up in here On the rare occasion someone is interested in me, I give them a chance. I give them a real chance. When he turns out to be "like all the others....

I have been exploring true connection for about two years. Brené Brown [yup I am back to talking about my idol] has been my teacher on the subject. I read her books and put her teachings into practice. It is hard at first, but it gets easier. I am at a tender moment in my life. I want to share some things that I have learned that are helping me right now. Marble Jar The story Brené shares in many of her books when teaching her daughter about boundaries has resonated with me. I had no boundaries for a long time. This was due to my instant relationships and desperation for connection. My excuse was "oh I am just being honest." That honestly hurt me more times than helping me. In the story, Brené's daughter is upset that a friend betrayed her. Brené uses the marble jar that sits on her daughter's teacher's desk as her analogy. The teacher would add a marble to the jar when the students would do great things for each other and behaved well. But, when they wou...

I have always been afraid to show people who I really am.  It is a vulnerable place to be and admitting it is just as vulnerable. One of the promises I made to myself when I embarked on my journey of courage in January was to be true to myself. I have not been perfect at it, but I have done pretty well.  Not compromising who you are can shrink your circle and can be quite lonely. That loneliness can get to me. However, it is much lonelier to be surrounded by people and feel completely disconnected from them and myself. I believe there is some sort of relative gap and can cause the feeling of loneliness to have more or less impact. Being rejected when you are you can be painful. For an overthinker and problem solver like me it can be torture-keeping me awake most nights, analyzing all the data. I lay awake working out the problem of "is it worth it?" In the end, I determine that it is. But, the time and energy spent working out the problem is forever gone and I ...