I'm Mfing Awesome, Yo!

How many times in our lives have we apologized when we didn't mean it or forgave before we were ready? Why do we do this? Is it because it's what's expected? Is it because we don't want to feel the feelings? When we pretend to apologize or forgive, what does that really accomplish? I recently received an apology and I almost immediately responded "apology accepted" or "I forgive you" because that is what I learned was "right" and have since taught my children. But, the truth of the matter was, I did not accept the apology and I was not ready to forgive. I have felt uneasy about this ever since. I have thought a lot about this situation and other recent occurrences surrounding the topic of forgiveness. I realized this must be the next lesson I need to learn and I began to research "forgiveness." Before you get too excited, I have not found the magical "how to forgive" guide. There are some who tell you how to forgive, ...

Movies and books tell us that in order to know we matter, we have to be chased. It looks a little something like this: First, you meet and things seem to be going great. Then they do something to lose you or they run away from you. A short time later, they realize what they lost (or ran away from) and decide they need to get it back. The chase begins and eventually they have won what was once lost. They never want to lose it again, so they work to keep you forever and you live happily every after. This not only happens in interpersonal relationships, but also in friendships, workplace relationships; pretty much anywhere there is a relationship dynamic. You are probably wondering, how can this happen in the work place? Well, this is how that could look: You get hired and things are going great. You start to feel underappreciated or underemployed. You express this (or do not express this) to your supervisor and/or co-workers. You start looking for employment elsewhere because...

A couple weeks ago I had dinner with a friend I haven’t seen in 4 months or so. We spent 4 hours catching up. At the end of the conversation, we both mentioned it had been too long and how much we miss hanging out. I then said something like, “it’s hard for me to ask people to do things because I feel like the only person with immense free time and it makes me look needy, clingy, and lonely.” She came back and said “I never ask because I feel like a burden to people.” This exchange turned on the file system in my brain.  Just about every assumption or fearful thought that was expressed to me or by me about not reaching out came flying out of my imaginary file cabinet in my brain. They sorted themselves beautifully into a clearer picture...like a data puzzle. It was time to analyze and try to understand this relationship barrier I seem to run across often. What causes relationships to fade? Life is constantly evolving. When it stops being convenient to see someon...

I am often represented in tarot card readings with the Queen of Swords. The Queen of Swords is independent, perceptive, a quick thinker, and organized. She is a survivor; overcoming physical and emotional challenges by using her cool head. This is quite the complement to be represented as a queen. However, being a queenly person must come with its challenges. When I look at the life of a true queen, it seems isolating and lonesome to me. I assume they have to constantly wonder who they can trust and protect their vulnerabilities. They probably wonder who loves them for who they truly are because, honestly, not many would get to see them as they are. Of course, I am only speculating, but I am going to use the analogy for this post. As far back as I can remember, I have played roles. I have been known to say to people "I am not sure I know who I am because I am so great at being what others need me to be." My therapist calls this wearing a mask . I look at queens (through mov...

The best way to keep one's word is not to give it. - Napoleon Bonaparte Oh if it were only that simple…   The topic of broken promises, commitments, and words has been on my mind lately. I feel I may have an extreme aversion to these things. Although I may overreact, the breaking of promises, commitments, and words has an impact on relationships and I would like to discuss this topic. I actually did some research before writing this post. What is a promise? commitment? giving your word? Since all three terms use the word promise, from here on out I will use the term “promise” to make things simple. I will also use the term relationship to mean any type of social connection you may have. I believe my aversion to broken promises stems from my child hood. According to my research there are 7 things that happen when a parent breaks a promise to their child (1): As I read the article I got this list from, it makes sense as to why I am extremely upset whe...

Sometimes I feel so helpless as a parent. Gone are the days that I can kiss or hug tears away. Life eventually becomes more complicated than a skinned knee or someone stealing away a toy. For all of my daughters, that time seems to come in the fourth grade. This is the school year of frustrations and tears that are accompanied by "I don't know." I feel like fourth grade has been the turning point in my parenting; the point I begin to question if I am getting it right.  My youngest daughter has begun fourth grade. I had hoped that she would begin "the end" later than her sisters. She is much different than them. Half her DNA is different. She was raised different and essentially had a different life than they had. That is just the nature of having a different father and a large age gap. Two days into fourth grade, it began. This is the year of "unknown tears," basically unintentionally seeming to cry for no reason. Two weeks in to the school year, sh...

This week has been full of discussions and reading about the topic of sharing. Where is the line between being your authentic self and oversharing? I am pretty sure I am not the expert on that. However, I would like to share some of my thoughts I have on the subject.   This journey began when I was contacted about a social media account of mine and ended with me overthinking on the topic of sharing. I know a lot of people and many of them have been quite forthcoming with me on the topic, whether I asked or not. I am also reading a book by Brene Brown called I Thought It Was Just Me where the topics of sharing and shame are discussed. In between all those conversations and moments of reading my current book selection, magically YouTube videos and random articles crossed my path with differing ideas on the topic. I am definitely considered an oversharer. I often cross the line between being my authentic self and expressing my every thought, experience, and feeling. It h...