Why is it so hard to make friends?
Humans need social connections to survive and thrive. I feel that developing friendships gets harder as we get older, but then wonder if it slopes back down after a certain age.
Since moving to Texas, I have met many wonderful people that I believe had good intentions to grow a friendship with me. I have been here for nine months and feel disconnected. The other day, I was sharing how I was feeling with a new person in my life. She expressed she had been experiencing the same thing. That conversation inspired this post.
As a child, I did struggle to make friends, but not like how I do now. I kind of just picked someone that liked the same things as me and then would be friends for however long. I have noticed that as people get older, like golden years older, they start to lack f***s. By then I think I might be like "either you like me or you don't."
I have shared in previous posts why friendship is distinctly challenging for me: here, here, here, here, and here. I know moving around quite a bit as a youth caused instant friendships and acceptance when we parted for reasons outside our control. I have had to learn to be more cautious as I navigate developing long term friendships. Now, I am wondering if my cautiousness is part of the problem.
Speaking of vulnerability, just last night I had two separate conversations about my needing to be myself because I am awesome or whatnot. Do ya'll know how vulnerable it is to "be yourself?" If you put on a good show and people do not like you, so what. If you show them who you are and they do not like you, ouch. That kind of rejection is so painful and...
My tolerance for rejection is quite low at the moment. I am job seeking which is full of rejection. Adding personal rejection just seems a little too much for me to stomach at the moment. I seem to be choosing to just not put myself out there, especially when it comes to texting, calls, and invites. I'm down to chat with someone when I run into them and even exchange contact information. But, reaching out is a "yeah, no"
I know I am not the only one that struggles with making friends. It is really hard to trust people now-a-days because people can be so fake and passive. I also believe many of us were raised to be risk adverse or our experiences later in life made us that way. Relationships are risky. New relationships are super risky.
I have shared my thoughts on the subject with a few new people to my life and connected with them through the process. It was scary admitting to feeling vulnerable, but the risk paid off. That's a win for me! And them, I hope :)
Since moving to Texas, I have met many wonderful people that I believe had good intentions to grow a friendship with me. I have been here for nine months and feel disconnected. The other day, I was sharing how I was feeling with a new person in my life. She expressed she had been experiencing the same thing. That conversation inspired this post.
As a child, I did struggle to make friends, but not like how I do now. I kind of just picked someone that liked the same things as me and then would be friends for however long. I have noticed that as people get older, like golden years older, they start to lack f***s. By then I think I might be like "either you like me or you don't."
I have shared in previous posts why friendship is distinctly challenging for me: here, here, here, here, and here. I know moving around quite a bit as a youth caused instant friendships and acceptance when we parted for reasons outside our control. I have had to learn to be more cautious as I navigate developing long term friendships. Now, I am wondering if my cautiousness is part of the problem.
I also wonder if my most recent experiences of betrayal have impacted my ability to make friends. I have experienced a level of pain within the last six years that I had never felt in my life before. I think it might have been because I allowed myself to be vulnerable and trusted the wrong people with that vulnerability. I will also admit I am super paranoid now. I am always wondering if my thoughts are paranoia or intuition. So, not only have I lost faith in others, but also in myself.
Speaking of vulnerability, just last night I had two separate conversations about my needing to be myself because I am awesome or whatnot. Do ya'll know how vulnerable it is to "be yourself?" If you put on a good show and people do not like you, so what. If you show them who you are and they do not like you, ouch. That kind of rejection is so painful and...
My tolerance for rejection is quite low at the moment. I am job seeking which is full of rejection. Adding personal rejection just seems a little too much for me to stomach at the moment. I seem to be choosing to just not put myself out there, especially when it comes to texting, calls, and invites. I'm down to chat with someone when I run into them and even exchange contact information. But, reaching out is a "yeah, no"
I have shared my thoughts on the subject with a few new people to my life and connected with them through the process. It was scary admitting to feeling vulnerable, but the risk paid off. That's a win for me! And them, I hope :)
Every relationship is based on trust. When that trust is violated, so too is the relationship.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely! Think about how that can impact future relationships too. We like to think that we look at things individual but often we don’t
DeleteBeing in the service is one thing, you can put your life in others hands and not sweat. Civilian world- so damn much brown-nosing, credit stealing, and back stabbing that it looks like you can trust anyone with a paperclip much your feelings/ego/esteem. There are good folk other there but it takes a lot of time to weed them out. Maybe why I spend more time with my Vet groups than folks at work.
ReplyDeleteI agree! I thought it was bad in the military until I worked with civilians that had never served. It does take a lot of time and patience. It can get exhausting.
DeleteOne of the toughest things in life is learning from your experiences while leaving your baggage at the door
ReplyDeleteFood for thought:
ReplyDeleteYou're not who you think you are; you're not who other people think you are; you are who you think other people think you are.
Interesting thought. I can see how that works.
DeleteEvery relationship, post my military service, personal or professional, has been very hard to stitch together. However, first test is the acceptance phase, in which I worry about rejection and then, overcoming it. On the other hand, I might find the other party unacceptable and reject them, which pain I have experienced inside and out. Both sides of the aisle plays in my head, because I understand rejection so well that I want to cause no harm to self or others, but then acceptance of the right relationships, friends or foes, are fundamental in life.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness it is so hard to reject others especially when you had been rejected so much. Its one of the things I had to overcome. I told my therapist "we all have flaws. I do not want to not love someone just because they have flaws." She helped me see that if their flaws are harming me, then they are not for me. It was a tough thing to learn. I ended up quite alone, making lots of room for great people. It took time to find them.
Delete