I'm Mfing Awesome, Yo!

If you have ever been to a therapy session you may have noticed that the therapist does not ask "why?" Ha! If you haven't noticed, you are probably replaying as many sessions as you possibly can to see if you can catch them asking this big no-no question. On the opposite spectrum, as a performance improvement professional, I am taught to ask "why" until all the "whys" have been discovered. What's up with the word "why?" Image by Gordon Johnson from Pixabay  There are a couple of reasons the word "why" is a challenge. First, it often takes a long time to find "why" and explain "why." We are cautioned about the lengthiness of the "why" exercise in my coursework. More importantly, the term "why" can come off accusatory, judgemental, and blame-attributing. So why do we ask "why" so often? When we are not selected for a job, we want to know why-and we often ask. Is it pos...

... Courage is the word I picked to live by in 2019 Image by 1778011 from Pixabay How did I show courage this year? I moved to Texas without a solid plan. I decided that it was time to see what was on the other side of fear. Leaving the comfort and security of Florida was scary. Moving away from my Florida family, not knowing how to have long distance friendships was scary. Relocating on my own, without the military, without a guarantee, was friggin' scary.  I challenged myself to do uncomfortable things. I have a strong distaste for social engagements that are not themed purposeful parties. That has not changed. But, I knew it was a necessary evil and ventured out to networking events. I crashed a few times, but quickly developed a great strategy. Now, I am somewhat considered an expert on the topic, at least for those that avoid social engagements also.  I faced being fired square in the face and stood tall. I do not shy away from my being fired. I don't e...

There are days that I have pity parties about not being allowed to help people. You might be thinking at this very moment  wtf Christina. Who is not 'allowing' you to help people? How is that even a thing?  I know. I know. When I am being logical, I think about things differently. But, let me take you on my crazy train for a moment. Sometimes I get into my emotional pity party state because I feel shameful of how much I have not accomplished. These are the times when I see people in the same helping space as me having more followers and getting more gigs to come speak. I see these same people drawing lines and defaming other helpers-creating disconnection where we need connection and collaboration the most. That is when I start to question why. Photo by Suzy Hazelwood from Pexels Brene Brown shared the concept of "the story we tell ourselves" in her book Rising Strong . It makes so much sense. Humans are wired for storytelling. It is how we make sense of ...

I listened to a stranger tell the story of his first Christmas with his then 8 year old daughter, post divorce. When he first began his story, my initial reaction was "oh geeze, another ugly divorce story where the dude gets screwed over. how cliche." I was presently surprised when his story quickly shifted to his experience of trying to make a magical memory for his daughter. Photo by Toni Cuenca from Pexels I was hooked on that story. I listened to every word, eagerly waiting for the next. When he finished telling his story, I shared some thoughts with him. That was the purpose of this meet-up anyhow. That was a great story. Even though you started off your story about your divorce being ugly, the rest of the story was relatable to so many people, divorced or not. Not having the money to have a big Christmas and not understanding what your children envision Christmas as, is so relatable.  As he read his story, I thought about this Christmas. This year I am super ...

Let's talk about dating. I pretty much do not do it anymore!  But, I do have plenty of conversations about it and why I choose not to. Do I want to be single?  No and that is normal, people!!!  I have realized that dating is basically a bunch of broken people that do not want to be alone, but also do not want any kind of real connection because that means they have to be vulnerable and who wants that?  Hey! Quote me on that...hell make a meme and share it on social media. Thanks! I can deal with the bullshit hoping to find the diamond in the rough if I did not have to deal with the judgmental assholes that are well meaning, but are really just terrible "fixers." I would prefer for people to place blame where it should be: on the douche that played me. Can I get a little empathy up in here?.....up in here On the rare occasion someone is interested in me, I give them a chance. I give them a real chance. When he turns out to be "like all the others....

I have been exploring true connection for about two years. Brené Brown [yup I am back to talking about my idol] has been my teacher on the subject. I read her books and put her teachings into practice. It is hard at first, but it gets easier. I am at a tender moment in my life. I want to share some things that I have learned that are helping me right now. Marble Jar The story Brené shares in many of her books when teaching her daughter about boundaries has resonated with me. I had no boundaries for a long time. This was due to my instant relationships and desperation for connection. My excuse was "oh I am just being honest." That honestly hurt me more times than helping me. In the story, Brené's daughter is upset that a friend betrayed her. Brené uses the marble jar that sits on her daughter's teacher's desk as her analogy. The teacher would add a marble to the jar when the students would do great things for each other and behaved well. But, when they wou...

I have always been afraid to show people who I really am.  It is a vulnerable place to be and admitting it is just as vulnerable. One of the promises I made to myself when I embarked on my journey of courage in January was to be true to myself. I have not been perfect at it, but I have done pretty well.  Not compromising who you are can shrink your circle and can be quite lonely. That loneliness can get to me. However, it is much lonelier to be surrounded by people and feel completely disconnected from them and myself. I believe there is some sort of relative gap and can cause the feeling of loneliness to have more or less impact. Being rejected when you are you can be painful. For an overthinker and problem solver like me it can be torture-keeping me awake most nights, analyzing all the data. I lay awake working out the problem of "is it worth it?" In the end, I determine that it is. But, the time and energy spent working out the problem is forever gone and I ...

When words escape me, music is there. I wrote a similar sentence on a letter I wrote to my daughter in Army Basic Combat Training. I committed myself to writing to her twice a week. I need a schedule or I will forget crap. Yeah, I know! How can I forget to write to my kid? Easy-it just happens. I am not ashamed of my momming anymore. My kids are pretty awesome, so I guess I do not suck.  Back to music. There I was, exhausted from a week of boring a** Salesforce training, with nothing to say. I had turned on my Music Monday Compilation just for background noise and stared at the videos. A few songs went by and I thought to myself "my daughter really could use these songs right now." So that is how her letter got started. I wrote the word "Remember" and started writing some lyrics from Titanium . I thought that would be a perfect start because we love the movie Pitch Perfect and that song has a special place in the movie. I thought after the lyrics, I would ...

Why is it so hard to make friends? Humans need social connections to survive and thrive. I feel that developing friendships gets harder as we get older, but then wonder if it slopes back down after a certain age. Since moving to Texas, I have met many wonderful people that I believe had good intentions to grow a friendship with me. I have been here for nine months and feel disconnected. The other day, I was sharing how I was feeling with a new person in my life. She expressed she had been experiencing the same thing. That conversation inspired this post. As a child, I did struggle to make friends, but not like how I do now. I kind of just picked someone that liked the same things as me and then would be friends for however long. I have noticed that as people get older, like golden years older, they start to lack f***s. By then I think I might be like "either you like me or you don't." I have shared in previous posts why friendship is distinctly challenging for me...

I am starting to feel myself disengage. This tends to happen when I feel my current circle is not connected with me. It probably does not sound like a big deal, but it is. I understand the ramifications of isolation and disconnection all too well. I am terrified of this feeling of disengagement. It can lead to detrimental physical, mental, and emotional consequences. I am feeling very sad, lost, scared, and alone. It's pretty damn dark down here in this hole and I have gone out into the wilderness without my gear of coping skills. I can faintly hear my long distance friends calling out to me, but I cannot figure out how far away or in which direction they are. It is cold, damp, and dreary. I can see little glimmers of light through the thick branches and leaves. I am weary. I am also enlightened-very aware of what is going on. Once you are enlightened, you cannot really go back to being ignorant. I know I am out in the darkness alone, but I cannot find me. I am desperately m...

I would like to quickly share how I feel about the phenomenon I call the Sonar Ping text message. This is when someone texts you a "Hey," "Hello," "Sup," [hand wave], etc. You send a quick response back and then you do not hear from them again until much time has passed. I can only guess as to why people do this. Maybe, they want to make sure you are still available to them-when and if they actually want to make time for you. Or possibly, they want to make sure you are alive-feeling guilty about ignoring you. Or perhaps, they genuinely wanted to connect with you but, something is preventing them from completing that chain. Usually this type of behavior does not bother me, but right now it bugs the f**** outta me. You see, I am desperately craving connection and attention. I miss my friends in Florida so very much. I miss my face to face interactions with them. These days, I am alone a lot. Texting is just not quite cutting it anymore. Texting from cer...

A lot of people have decided that I took a few steps back. I disagree. I was recently terminated from my job...that is the nice way HR says: It has been surprising to most that I am not terrified or ashamed. I will say that I felt betrayed and my feelings were hurt. But, I was not surprised by any means. Do not get too excited if you are looking for the juicy details of what went down. I am not going there. It took me all of about two hours to get over my hurt feelings-this comprised of cleaning out my office, turning over projects, and driving home. I was quite confused by this. But, I took a matter of fact approach to the situation. I started researching my rights and thinking about my next move. As I reflected and researched, I reminded myself: the position was not a good fit for me super successful people have often attributed their success to being fired I have always come back bigger and better each time I am knocked down BONUS: I have a new story for my resilienc...

I hope y'all are ready for some more Brené Brown fangirling! In my dark moments in life, somehow she always shows up to show me the light. Whether it is in a social media post, a video I run across, or a book I pick up to read at the right moment. Brené, thank you for being you and having the courage to show up and be seen.  I recently finished reading Brené Brown's book Dare to Lead . In that book she discusses values. She says that we all have two core values and the rest of the values we believe in are supportive of our two core values. I believe my two core values are: courage and legacy. When I would talk about values in my classes, I would mention integrity and authenticity as being some of my core values. I now believe those have a supporting role in my core values of legacy and courage. It takes a lot of courage to show up and be your authentic self and to sometimes stand alone in integrity. I want to be represented accurately which is why I get so upset when people...

This week has been a learning experience for me. I have been very introspective-processing a lot of information on relationships and connection. The universe sometimes likes to give me a lot of data to work with, so I can learn a little somethin' somethin'-then I share it with ya'll. Lately, I have been trying to figure out what "family" is. When we are young, we are taught that "family" is made up of our relatives, period. As we grow into adults, that is what we often continue to believe. Then sometimes, something funny happens. You start to realize that you have strong amazing connections with non-relatives. You may notice that you really are not that connected with your relatives. If you are anything like me, you start to feel some kind of way for not having what you think you are supposed to have-start questioning yourself-start forcing a square peg into a round hole-toss out the beloved rock you love. Okay, I just got kind of weird with my analo...

I had a fairly solid plan. It went to sh*t! I recovered and devised a new solid plan. It went to sh*t! I am weary...but will build a new plan...later because: I am currently baking cupcakes without frosting at my brother's house because my car is in the shop and I have barely any food in the house. I am using what I have to make these cupcakes, now muffins I suppose. I even had to sub' an ingredient. I live out in the middle of no-where, not even a corner store is within walking distance for a girl that grew up in the 80s/90s where we walked everywhere! Cupcakes are my therapy. Making them helps me focus on something else and eating them feeds my sorrow. Let me back up a little for you.   I was aware my new plan was falling apart, but I kept focusing on things working out. On a daily basis, I am looking for new strategies on how I am going to fulfill an agreement I made when I moved here and survive, then become successful. As discouraging as things have been, I have be...

Why is it hard for us to reach out? When you are in the midst of a painful, shameful, or fearful moment, you hesitate to reach out. I bet it's because you are protecting yourself. You are already a hot damn mess and you are afraid of being rejected, dismissed, or shamed by others. My favorite statement I love hearing after sharing with someone that I had just overcame something painful, shameful or fearful is "you should have reached out to me." Well damn! How was I supposed to know? I was afraid to reach out to anyone. Or maybe I reached out to someone who had said that to me in the past and they were not as receptive as I had hoped. We all struggle sometimes. Unfortunately, most of us struggle alone and in silence because it is scary to be vulnerable and past experiences proved we cannot trust anyone to give a sh*t. Or maybe we attempted and failed. It's so hard to try again because that rejection just added more to the pile of steaming sh*t you currently cal...

I was once told I am not creative because I cannot free paint. Anyone that knows me, knows that I asserted a very strong argument against that statement. First, I have taken a strengths survey annually for the last four years. It has told me every year that my top strength is "creativity." Second, I am an excellent process and performance improvement professional. It takes great creativity to accomplish making processes and performance optimized. Third, I have had a challenging life with many sharp turns that required a lot of creativity to keep moving forward. Why did it bother me so much that I was told I was not creative? I do not think the statement is what bothered me. I think it was the assertion that I could not accomplish certain things because of  a narrow belief that our talents, personality, and thinking style determine what we can accomplish. I do not subscribe to such a belief. Let me share a story with you. I recently attended a parent engagement a...

Some times you have to re-pot a plant so it can grow. When a plant outgrows its pot, it gets root bound and is cramped in its surroundings. The roots will begin to spill out the bottom or over the top. The plant's growth will be stunted. In some cases the plant will die. When a plant is re-potted, it sometimes goes into shock. But, with some care, it eventually begins to grow again. You cannot always see what is happening in your life. I did not know I was "root-bound." I felt like I  had more to give. But, where I was, there was no room for me to be the person I wanted to be. Something felt wrong. I felt wrong. I was persistent and kept trying to grow beyond my surroundings. When I got too big, I felt like I was being cut down. It took a lot of courage and encouragement for me to uproot my life and move to Texas. I had no idea why I was moving here. Using this analogy for a move to Texas is oddly fitting because everything is bigger in Texas, right? Moving to Te...

I was gifted with a very diverse set of daughters. When you ask a kid what they want to be when they grow up, they will often tell you various careers like police, officer, fireman, lawyer, teacher, etc. When I was asked, I would often say "a mom." I never thought anything of that statement until I started to feel like a failure when it came to my careers and marriages. I learned about values-based living and realized I had failed at things I did not value as much. I value being the best mom I can be and the legacy I leave through my children. My parenting journey has been a rocky one, just like everyone else. What I can tell you is I am the best mother my daughters could have. Yes, I said it! I am very confident in that statement now. I am the best mom for them because I remember what it was like being a daughter at all stages of growing up. I am also intuitive, an excellent problem solver, and dare I say: manipulative. Manipulation gets such a bad rap, but it is a goo...

I have not had the best birthdays and I used to be so upset about it until my 40th Birthday. I am not quite sure what about that birthday changed my perspective, but it did. I just celebrated my 41st Birthday on Monday. It was not the most spectacularly celebrated birthday. However, I got what I wanted. First, I was not sure I would have all of my daughters with me to celebrate my birthday, but I did. My second oldest drove my oldest down a few days prior to spend some time with me. Also, I thought I was going to spend the day of alone and I planned to do so with a carefully crafted schedule to ensure I did not get sad. It's a coping skill I mastered through researching self-care for when my daughter is away for the summer. Then, I received a message from a friend "Good morning honey!!! Happy Birthday!!! Let me take you to lunch today." I scrapped my plans and oh boy was it a hot mess trying to meet up, but we did it! It was the best Denny's lunch I have ever had. ...